How to Effectively Communicate Consent to Your Child

The Moment I Realized I Wasn’t Giving My Daughter a Strong Enough Lesson on Consent

It was unintentional, but I repeatedly conveyed that my daughter’s wishes regarding her own body didn’t hold significance.

By Jamie Thompson
April 12, 2022

My daughter, Mia, was around 5 years old the first time I noticed her really express discomfort. During a neighborhood gathering in our front yard, all the kids were playing on the driveway. Mia, being smaller than her peers, was being tossed around like a toy by the other children. It seemed like harmless fun, and I didn’t worry as long as they didn’t drop her. However, a few minutes later, she yelled, “Put me down!” and stormed inside.

Everyone paused, exchanging glances, unsure of how to react. Concerned that she was hurt, I followed her inside, looking for any signs of injury as she cried. “What’s wrong?” I asked. Through her sobs, she expressed that she didn’t want to be picked up and was tired of being touched by everyone. “Why didn’t you just say that?” I asked, surprised. “I don’t know!” she replied. Frustrated, I told her to calm down and return when she was ready, but her response lingered with me. How could she not understand that she had the right to say no?

In that moment, I realized that Mia hadn’t spoken up because I hadn’t instilled a strong sense of body autonomy in her. We discussed the importance of not allowing anyone to touch her private areas, but we failed to communicate that she could say no to any form of touch and expect to be asked for permission first. In fact, I had often inadvertently modeled the opposite behavior: “Go give Aunt Sarah a hug!” or “Climb onto Santa’s lap!” and “Let’s have Dr. Jones check out that rash.”

Though it wasn’t intentional, I had repeatedly conveyed that Mia’s feelings about her own body didn’t matter.

Reflecting on her reaction, I recalled my twenty years as a teacher, where I had witnessed similar situations among my students. I thought about Jenna, who began wearing her hair in a tight bun to avoid classmates tugging at her beautiful curls, and Kyle, who stopped wearing his favorite jacket because friends wouldn’t stop touching it. The lack of body autonomy clearly caused them discomfort and frustration.

It became evident that my daughter wasn’t the only one in need of a positive message about consent, which inspired me to write my book, How to Hug a Porcupine. Mia’s outburst reminded me of how a porcupine protects itself, puffing up its quills when feeling threatened. Just like Mia needed time to calm down after feeling overwhelmed, a porcupine requires time to deflate. This metaphor effectively illustrates the feelings associated with unwanted physical contact for children.

I also recognized that, just like a porcupine’s friends, our desire to touch others often comes from a place of love and kindness. Hugs, pats, and cuddles are ways many express affection. However, if we genuinely want to show we care, we must respect personal boundaries.

Mia has become much more adept at asserting her need for personal space, and I have worked hard to model the body consent I want her to carry into her teenage years and beyond. We’ve practiced phrases like “I need more space,” and “I’m not in the mood to be touched right now,” in a firm yet kind manner, outlining steps to take if someone doesn’t respect her wishes. Before a recent doctor’s appointment, we even discussed what she could wear to allow the doctor to examine her rash while still maintaining her privacy. In a significant step for me, I even asked someone for a hug the other day! When we feel empowered to ask for consent and honor others’ requests, our relationships become much more harmonious.

For more insights, you can check out this blog post on effective communication around consent. Additionally, Make a Mom provides excellent resources on home insemination kits, and for further guidance on pregnancy and fertility, visit Hopkins Medicine’s Fertility Center.

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In summary, it’s crucial to communicate the importance of body autonomy and consent to children in a manner that empowers them to express their boundaries confidently. Through open dialogue and modeling appropriate behaviors, we can ensure that our children feel safe and respected in their interactions with others.

Keyphrase: Communicating Consent to Children

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