When You're Committed But Find Yourself Smitten Elsewhere

Many of us experience this phenomenon silently, not because it’s shameful, but because it often feels insignificant—a fleeting distraction, a mild attraction to someone outside of our committed relationship. We might tease about our crush on a coworker or even make an effort to look our best when they are around, perhaps adding a touch of mascara when we usually go makeup-free or choosing a flattering outfit instead of our usual casual wear. We find ourselves curious about their life and what they think of us. Despite this, we remain secure in our love for our partner, fully committed, and have no intentions of changing our relationship status. This scenario can be aptly labeled the “Happily Committed Crush” (HCC). While HCCs may seem trivial and harmless, the emotional impact they have on us is significant.

Crushes can be powerful—just ask any teenager. When we feel this attraction, we have a few paths we can explore. We might choose to accept the crush at face value, acknowledging it as admiration for the other person’s qualities. Alternatively, we could delve deeper to uncover what this attraction reveals about our own needs and desires. Lisa A. Phillips, the author of the insightful book Unrequited: Women and Romantic Obsession, shares her perspective on this topic. “Crushes often serve as wake-up calls,” she explains. “They signal the onset of new emotions and possibilities in our adult relationships.” Currently, Phillips is working on a book focused on teenagers and their relational dynamics.

She elaborates, “While the reasons behind crushes remain largely unexplained, there are theories. The person we’re drawn to might symbolize untapped potentials—be it sexual, emotional, or otherwise—prompting us to reflect on our choices.” Renowned psychologists like Jung and Freud have weighed in on this subject. Phillips resonates with the Jungian concept that a crush may embody aspects of ourselves we wish to explore. Meanwhile, from a Freudian angle, she notes the idea of “repetition compulsion,” where we subconsciously gravitate towards individuals reminiscent of early life experiences.

For instance, if someone grew up with an erratic parent and later marries a stable partner, an unexpected crush on a new, unpredictable coworker may signal unresolved feelings tied to their past. Our brains often gravitate towards familiar dynamics—even if they’re unhealthy—leading us to believe that chaos is the norm in relationships.

Despite the darker interpretations from Jung and Freud, Phillips considers an HCC a generally positive experience. “Research indicates that for many in committed partnerships, a crush can simply be a fun distraction that brings a little excitement into life,” she notes. However, she warns that if feelings intensify, it’s important to stay vigilant as that’s often how affairs begin.

So, how do you determine whether you’re merely having fun, repeating past patterns, or projecting your desires onto this crush? According to Phillips, self-reflection is key. “Consider your upbringing and the ways your life could have been different. What might you be missing? If your crush is on someone adventurous or creative, what does that say about your own values and aspirations?” This introspection isn’t just relevant during moments of HCC—it can be beneficial during any transition in life.

Ultimately, Phillips encourages those with crushes to be kind to themselves. “Acknowledge your feelings without judgment,” she advises. “Many people struggle with guilt over these emotions, but they are not inherently wrong. Crushes can convey important messages about our desires.” So, the next time a charming barista catches your eye, take a moment to listen to what that might mean for you.

For further insights, check out one of our other blog posts on navigating emotions during relationships here. And if you’re interested in learning more about home insemination, visit Cryobaby, an authority on this subject, or explore this excellent resource on intrauterine insemination.

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In summary, having a crush while being in a committed relationship is more common than many think. These feelings can serve as a mirror, reflecting our desires and areas of our lives that may need attention. Rather than shaming ourselves for these emotions, we should embrace them as opportunities for self-discovery and growth.

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When You’re Committed But Find Yourself Smitten Elsewhere

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