Am I Ever Gonna Know If I'm Prepared for Parenthood?

Taking the Leap

Am I Ever Gonna Know If I’m Prepared for Parenthood?

It’s a significant shift and a massive transformation, and I can’t shake off my apprehension.

Written by Lexi Rivera
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: March 22, 2022

Most people assume that children’s book authors write exclusively for kids. My debut book, Let’s Do Everything and Nothing, tells the story of a mother and daughter embarking on thrilling adventures together. They scale mountains! Dive into the ocean’s depths! And at the end of the day, they find connection and joy in the quiet moments at home.

However, I primarily wrote this book for myself. While I did want to highlight the representation of people of color in outdoor settings—an issue I deeply care about—I also aimed to reflect my own experiences as a Taiwanese American. My motivations were more philosophical.

As an adventurous woman in my late 30s without children, I have embraced the exhilarating escapades depicted in my book. A few years back, I discovered a balance to my “let’s do everything” lifestyle when I married someone who dreams of relaxing beach vacations and endless buffets. His name is Jordan, and while I might have preferred to save those leisurely activities for later in life, we decided to compromise by taking turns planning our adventures.

Still, my desire for outdoor exploration often took precedence. Over the years, Jordan has joined me on many pre-dawn hikes and rock climbing excursions, bravely enduring these challenging experiences, some of which turned into type-3 fun (never enjoyable, even in hindsight) when he realized he was prone to altitude sickness. By our fourth ascent of a 14,000-foot mountain, he was preemptively taking medication to fend off severe headaches and nausea. I eventually reciprocated by spending a week with him on a beach in Cabo.

Nowadays, our outings have mellowed into enjoyable hikes with our dog, followed by delicious meals. Throughout this journey, I’ve come to realize that I prefer doing simple things with Jordan rather than grand adventures alone, and those buffets in Vegas turned out to be better than I anticipated. After these reflections, I wrote the book and we shared it with friends and family instead of traditional wedding vows. I read the adventurous first half, while he took on the tranquil second half.

But one aspect that heightens our differences is the topic of parenthood. I took my time weighing the decision to become a mother, but when I finally decided to pursue it, I was overwhelmed with fear. The thought of motherhood threatens my identity as an active and capable woman. What if I wake up one day feeling unrecognizable? I’ve witnessed friends endure heartbreaking miscarriages, career shifts, and other challenges. I can’t shake this sense of caution—this is one journey I’m uncertain if I’ll ever be ready to embark on.

In contrast, Jordan is enthusiastic about the prospect of parenting. He admires stay-at-home dads and has a soft spot for babies, which can sometimes be uncomfortable for me. When he meticulously arranges our dog’s bed for extra comfort, I can’t help but scoff. But I love his nurturing side. I’m married to someone I could never be—someone gentle, patient, and content with simply being at home with loved ones. Perhaps one day, we can share a bit of everything together as a family.

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In summary, pondering the readiness for parenthood can evoke a mix of excitement and fear. While my partner embraces the idea, I find myself wrestling with the identity shifts that accompany motherhood. It’s a journey filled with uncertainties, but the possibility of eventual happiness as a family is something to consider.

Keyphrase: Am I ready for kids?

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