I hadn’t spoken to my father in nearly five years. Our relationship had always been fraught with conflict, and it only became more strained as I transitioned through major life milestones: graduating college, getting engaged, and becoming a parent.
Before the final break a few years back, we had experienced several periods of silence—months apart here and there—but guilt often led me to attempt reconciliation. The last time we spoke was when I discovered I was expecting my first child. I reached out, hoping to mend our relationship; after all, I thought, having a mother at significant life events like prom, my wedding, and the birth of my child is what everyone deserves. Unfortunately, my experience was far from that ideal.
During my pregnancy, our relationship remained tense. The only time I saw him was at my baby shower, and when my son was born, I didn’t receive a congratulatory message—rather, I was met with criticism over my choices regarding his birth. My father lived far away and opted not to visit when my son was born. Yet, he still found ways to reach out and express negativity. Despite this, I allowed him to meet my son, clinging to the hope that we could find common ground. Instead, that meeting only deepened the rift between us.
My father carried many personal demons, and while it’s not my place to recount his story, parts of it influenced my own life. Our relationship became increasingly strained as he struggled with addiction, a battle that began around the time I turned 18. Witnessing his downward spiral was heartbreaking. I remember feeling helpless as I picked up my younger sibling from the police station while our father was taken for involuntary treatment. It was surreal for him, as he romanticized the addiction by associating it with celebrities.
All these memories flood my mind, but I share them not to shame him. Regardless of our challenges, he is my only father. Last month, he passed away.
When I made the decision to cut ties, I sought resources for those in similar situations but found most articles focused on parents. Many told me I was selfish for my choice, stating, “That’s your dad! You need to let this go.” However, there is a limit to the abuse one can endure before saying “enough.” For me, my son’s birth marked the beginning of my personal strength. Once I resolved to prioritize my well-being, I faced the inevitable question: “What if something happens to him? How will you feel?”
I can confidently say that yes, you can live with that choice. When I learned of my father’s passing, I sprang into action—not for me, but for my family.
The emotional turmoil that accompanied his death was immense. Losing a parent is utterly devastating, altering your life forever. However, I had already mourned the father I needed years prior. Through therapy and open conversations with friends, I learned to navigate the complex feelings surrounding his death. Surprisingly, regret was absent from my emotions.
I chose to end a toxic relationship and surround myself with supportive individuals. While liberating, it was also heartbreaking. I grieve for the father I wished he could have been, the one who could have known my wonderful children. At ages one and five, they are the brightest lights in my life, and it pains me to think he never experienced their joy.
I loved my father, but there was a time when I didn’t love myself enough to escape his toxic influence. The moment I held my child, I understood that I couldn’t allow any form of abuse in his life. That realization marked the beginning of my path to freedom. If you’re reading this and contemplating leaving an abusive relationship, know that you are worthy of love and respect. You deserve to break free.
As I reflect on the fact that reconciliation will never occur, I find peace. He was never the father I needed, but perhaps he has found his own freedom now, free from the struggles that plagued him. Having children has been incredibly healing for me, as I finally comprehend the essence of parental love. My upbringing was far from perfect; it was a battleground disguised in normalcy. My father, a deeply wounded individual, hurt those around him.
We cannot allow ourselves to be victims of those who should love us. Setting boundaries is crucial, and sometimes, cutting ties is necessary. The most important person you can save is yourself. So prioritize your well-being—you are worth it.
For those interested in related topics, check out this post on at-home insemination kits or learn more about in vitro fertilisation, which can provide valuable insights into family planning. If you’re seeking more advice on navigating complex family dynamics, visit Modern Family Blog, an excellent resource on this topic.
Summary
The loss of an estranged parent can evoke a whirlwind of emotions, from grief to relief. This article recounts the author’s journey of navigating a tumultuous relationship with her father, ultimately choosing to prioritize her well-being and the well-being of her children. Through personal reflections and insights, the author emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and recognizing one’s worth in the face of toxic relationships.