Discovering Demisexuality: A Transformative Journey

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Parenting

By Jamie Rivers
Feb. 16, 2022

Growing up in a household where discussions about sexuality were nonexistent left me grappling with confusion and uncertainty for years. Conversations about intimacy and pleasure were simply off the table. I often questioned why sexual matters seemed trivial—wasn’t it all just about satisfying one’s partner and reproducing? To that notion, I can’t help but raise an eyebrow.

For a long time, I was puzzled about the essence of sexuality. Was it merely about physical attraction or the act of sex itself? Or did it involve the people I felt drawn to? The truth is, I’ve never been one to look at someone and feel an instant desire for intimacy. Was there something fundamentally wrong with me? Spoiler alert: Absolutely not. I just happen to identify as demisexual.

When I learned about demisexuality, it was as if a light bulb went off. This identity centers around the necessity of an emotional connection before experiencing physical attraction. The more I explored demisexuality, the more it challenged my previous beliefs.

Understanding Demisexuality: The Importance of Emotional Bonds

In my upbringing, sexuality seemed straightforward—there was no space for gray areas. I never considered that my yearning for an emotional connection could be linked to my sexuality. For many, attraction leads directly to sex, but for me, intimacy feels more like an afterthought. Often, I opt out of it altogether.

As a demisexual, my desire for intimacy emerges only after establishing a deep emotional bond. According to a discussion on demisexuality by Very Well Mind, individuals in this category struggle to feel attracted to those with whom they don’t share a substantial emotional connection. Yes! Everything started to click into place. I realized I often preferred self-pleasure over engaging with someone I wasn’t connected to. Had I always felt this way without the vocabulary to express it?

Evelyn Brooks, a therapist based in San Francisco, emphasizes that fostering a safe space for exploration—free from judgment—can enhance our understanding of our sexuality. When we allow ourselves to be curious and non-critical, we are better equipped to define what our sexual identity means.

Breaking the Stigma: Why We Need to Talk About Sexuality

Engaging in conversations about sexuality is crucial. Keeping these topics shrouded in taboo only perpetuates confusion, shame, and guilt surrounding a natural aspect of humanity. Embracing my demisexuality has clarified my interactions with others, and I share this journey to inspire you to own your own sexual identity. There’s no right or wrong way to navigate this—don’t adjust yourself for a partner or conform to societal expectations.

Letting go of shame and guilt has opened the door for me to explore my identity. Nearly two decades later, I confidently embrace my demisexuality. The key takeaway? This is your life to live authentically and unapologetically.

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Summary

Discovering my demisexuality transformed my understanding of intimacy and relationships. Growing up without discussions about sexuality left me confused about my feelings and attractions. Learning that I needed an emotional bond to experience physical attraction was enlightening. Embracing this identity has allowed me to break free from societal norms and live authentically.

Keyphrase: demisexuality
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