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Parenting
His question offered me a fresh perspective.
Written by Maya Johnson
Date: Feb. 14, 2022
On one particularly cold winter day, I encouraged (okay, I might have insisted) that my 11-year-old son join me for a walk with our dogs. Not long into our stroll, my son, who often plays the role of the family philosopher, turned to me and asked: “Mom, do the benefits of being a parent outweigh the downsides?” I was momentarily taken aback by his insightful question. While I felt the urge to give a detailed answer, I remembered the advice I often share with other parents and chose to dig deeper. “Are you asking if being a parent is more rewarding than it is challenging?” When he nodded, I employed another parenting strategy and flipped the question back to him: “What do you think?”
After a thoughtful pause, he responded, “Well, the upside is that you get to create another human and see them grow, which is pretty amazing. But that might be about it.” I then asked what he saw as the negatives, and for the remainder of our 30-minute walk, he elaborated on the less pleasant aspects of parenthood. One particular example struck me: he recounted a situation where a parent, stressed about work, has to drop everything to assist their child, which can be really frustrating. (Ouch. It was clear where he got that scenario from.)
My son’s observation about this “parenting downside” — having to assist your child while feeling overwhelmed by personal obligations — resonated with me long after we finished our hot chocolate. First, it highlighted how much our stress as parents, whether we realize it or not, influences our children. Second, it seemed he had internalized the idea that helping kids is more of a duty than a desire. Third, and most painfully, it became clear that my child, whether consciously or not, felt his needs were secondary within our family dynamic.
I don’t want my son to feel like a burden, even though he can be at times, just like all kids. My goal is for him to feel cherished, even during moments when I’m overwhelmed by the responsibilities of parenting and life. Reflecting on his question, I realized he was looking for affirmation that he is a valued member of our family from me, both in words and actions. So, I revisited the conversation and affirmed that, yes, parenting can be tough and I do get frustrated, but the benefit he highlighted — nurturing a person and witnessing their development — surpasses everything else I do.
To reinforce this, I devised three approaches to show my son how important he is to me through my daily actions.
Set Aside Quality Time
I intentionally carve out moments when I’m fully present with my son, free from phone calls, social media distractions, or texts. I aim for at least 30 minutes each day where we can play air hockey, bake together, or watch a show without any competing obligations. These daily interactions help strengthen our bond and offer him a sense of security.
Express Gratitude for Our Time Together
I learned from my partner to thank my son after we spend time together — whether it’s walking the dogs, grocery shopping, or playing soccer in the yard. This simple act communicates to him that I value our moments together rather than perceiving them as a chore.
Provide Advance Notice
If I know I won’t be available to him, I give him plenty of warning so he doesn’t feel neglected, and I avoid the stress of disappointing him. We take a moment to check if he needs anything from me before I dive into work and discuss how I can assist him once I’m free. This shows that I consider his needs important even when I’m busy.
None of these strategies are revolutionary, but they stem from a lesson I’ve learned over nearly 20 years of parenting four kids: it’s often the little moments, not grand gestures, that resonate with our children. Frequently, it’s a small compliment or supportive word that helps them feel good about themselves. I’m continually surprised by how consistent, minor efforts lead to significant, meaningful impacts in helping kids feel loved and valued in their families. As we transition from winter to spring, I hope that during our dog walks, my son will feel assured that, for me, the benefits of parenting indeed outweigh the drawbacks.
Maya Johnson is a co-host of The Parenting Podcast, the founder of Active Kids, an organization that empowers children through physical education, and the author of the Engaging Parenting Newsletter, reflections on raising adolescents.