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Not long ago, I found myself in the position of needing to end a friendship. For months, I tried to dodge her invitations with the classic “I have to wash my hair” excuse, hoping she would eventually lose interest. But that didn’t happen. Eventually, I chose to be honest—through a text message.
The message is still saved on my phone, and I’m not sure why I haven’t deleted it. It reads:
“I don’t feel the same about you and our friendship since you treated your daughter that way, and I can’t shake it off. Whenever we meet, it makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. My mental health is my priority—so it’s better for me if we stop hanging out. Sorry.”
Looking back, my attempt at honesty (which I thought was necessary) still makes me cringe. It turns out that my approach wasn’t the best, according to established standards for navigating friendship breakups.
Here’s how experts suggest handling this tough situation:
Choose an In-Person Conversation
Rachel Sussman, a psychotherapist from New York and author of The Breakup Bible, emphasizes that in-person conversations are the most mature way to handle such matters. Guy Winch, another psychologist and author, mentions that a text could work if the friendship is relatively new. Right off the bat, I missed the mark—our friendship was almost a decade long. I could’ve approached it with more kindness, given the history we shared.
Acknowledge the Value of the Relationship
Clinical psychologist Ahona Guha advises clearly expressing that you valued the friendship but can no longer maintain contact. This never crossed my mind during my breakup text. I was too focused on my feelings. In reality, she had been an essential support during my tough mental health struggles, which I completely overlooked.
Clarify Your Reasons Without Blame
Andrea Bonior, a clinical psychologist and author, stresses the importance of framing the breakup around your own needs and avoiding blame. Reflecting on my text makes me feel ill; I laid the blame on her right from the start instead of owning my anxiety as the real issue. I didn’t make it about my needs but rather pointed out her perceived shortcomings.
I thought I was being considerate by texting rather than making her meet for coffee just to hear I didn’t want to be friends anymore. However, a bit of pre-breakup research could have made this easier for her. If I had the chance, I would absolutely do things differently. But I also hope to avoid this situation in the future.
For more insights, you can check out this helpful resource on navigating challenging situations. You can also explore this blog post for further reading on related topics here and find useful tools for self-insemination here.
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In summary, breaking up with a friend is a delicate process that requires thoughtfulness and care. It’s essential to acknowledge the value of the friendship and to communicate your feelings without placing blame. Learning from past experiences can guide you in handling future situations more gracefully.
Keyphrase: Ending a friendship
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