It was a vibrant family gathering in anticipation of a wedding weekend, with relatives arriving from all corners of the country—some I hadn’t met before and others I hadn’t seen in years. Hugs were exchanged as new faces appeared, while the children gleefully played outside, and the adults mingled, loading their plates with delicious food.
Amidst the hustle and bustle, I noticed a young boy, perhaps around 10 or 11, who caught my eye. He was an athletic-looking kid, nearly my height. While the other children seemed indifferent to my daughter, Emma, this boy paused each time he walked by. He would tilt his head, wrinkle his nose slightly, and furrow his brow as if he were trying to make sense of Emma’s appearance, which was affected by a severe skin condition resembling an intense sunburn.
Finally, after several passes, he stopped in front of her. I braced myself for what I thought was coming: a question or possibly an unkind comment about her looks. A wave of annoyance began to rise within me, threatening to turn into frustration.
But then, to my astonishment, he knelt down, placing himself at eye level with Emma. This seemingly tough preteen leaned in and said, “Wow, you’re the prettiest girl! I love your dress! Are you having fun?”
Oh, how my heart soared.
In that instant, my anticipation of needing to defend my daughter melted away. I had completely misjudged this child’s intent, and it filled me with joy.
Defensiveness can easily cloud our perceptions. It prepares us for battle even before any offense has been made, leaving us ready to retaliate. More importantly, it hampers our ability to truly listen to others. When we are defensive, we become so fixated on our own feelings that we fail to see the emotions of those around us.
Choosing to step back from my instinct to defend has allowed me to focus on understanding others better. When I remind myself that I am not necessarily being attacked when someone expresses a differing view or asks a question, I can often see that their reactions are rooted in their own experiences and feelings.
I won’t pretend that hurtful comments don’t sting, or that I don’t occasionally hear children use unkind words to describe Emma. However, we have also been consistently surprised by the kindness of people. Just as we hope that others won’t make assumptions about Emma’s story, we strive not to make negative assumptions about how others will react.
On most days, I would love to enjoy an outing without being subjected to stares or intrusive questions. While I want people to understand Emma’s skin condition, known as harlequin ichthyosis, I yearn for them to simply say hello or compliment my kids. I envision a world where kindness replaces judgment, a world where we can engage with each other without the need for scrutiny.
Defensiveness can breed resentment and anger within us, but by choosing grace and kindness, we can foster connection and understanding.
Not long ago, I found myself at a McDonald’s when an older gentleman started talking to me before I was fully aware. I caught something about “keeping a hat on” Emma, and my face began to flush, anticipating a lecture about sun protection (a familiar scenario).
“What was that?” I asked, preparing for the worst.
He repeated kindly, “I was just saying that I don’t know how you get her to keep a hat on. My grandkids just pull theirs right off!” He smiled warmly, adding, “She’s quite the cutie.”
This experience reminded me of the importance of kindness and the impact it can have on our lives. If you’re interested in learning more about how to navigate parenthood, check out this resource on pregnancy. For those considering other family options, you can explore the Cryobaby at-home insemination kit as well.
In summary, the unexpected kindness of a young boy at a family gathering helped me to realize that while defensiveness can easily take over, choosing to approach others with love and understanding can lead to beautiful connections and a more compassionate world.