Grades Over Friends: How My Son Became an Anxious Loner — Is It My Fault?

When my college sophomore, Ethan, earns anything less than a low A, he feels like a failure. A 98% isn’t seen as a triumph; rather, it’s a reminder that he fell short by 2%. If a high B comes his way, it’s a complete meltdown. I find myself keeping my phone on all night, ready to calm him down as he criticizes himself and cries. (And when I say “cries,” I mean it in the most serious way.) For Ethan, achieving a perfect GPA has turned into a singular pursuit, leaving no space for anything else. This didn’t have to happen, and I often find myself wanting to blame his obsession on my husband, who has spent nearly two decades molding our son into an anxious, achievement-driven outcast.

While most college students are enjoying their social lives, going to parties, or joining study groups, Ethan faces each day with a rigid isolation. He wakes up at 5:30 a.m. every day to begin his marathon of studying, which takes up at least eight hours of his day. His breaks consist solely of eating, bathroom visits, and watching motivational videos. I remember one time he made me watch an inspirational clip, where the narrator encouraged viewers to “add just a little more effort, a little more focus, a little more time management, and a little more studying.” No matter how many times he views it, the “add just a little more studying” mantra is what truly resonates with him, propelling him back into his books.

Ethan eats alone, studies alone, and walks to class alone. I can only guess how many days he exchanges nothing more than a simple “hi” with fellow students. He’s a friendly and charming kid, with laughter and sparkling eyes that make people feel special. However, few have the chance to see this vibrant side of him.

He has consciously chosen to prioritize grades over friendships, and my husband often praises him for this decision. It’s heartbreaking to see him reduced to a one-dimensional version of himself.

I used to enable this mindset. I sat with my husband as he questioned Ethan’s grades. Why didn’t he achieve a check plus on his homework? Could he retake a spelling test for a perfect score? From the moment he was born, we were pushing him, making him complete Spanish counting drills and geography puzzles. Our initial motto of “Just try your best” morphed into “Put that puzzle piece in the right spot next time.”

Ultimately, I played a role in nurturing an anxious child who valued grades above everything else. I thought I was fostering a love for learning, but in reality, I was training him to excel as a perfectionist.

By middle school, I started to see the signs of a future student who would isolate himself. I began offering cash incentives for grades below an A; a 90% would earn him nothing. I figured if he wanted a longboard (back when he had hobbies outside of studying), he might be willing to sacrifice a couple of grades.

In the end, he couldn’t let go of his standards. I don’t know any other parent who would be disappointed to see their child make the dean’s list. I don’t take pride in my late attempts to redirect him. Unfortunately, while I was pulling back, my husband intensified the pressure. If Ethan missed a question on a test, he would be told to “put in more hours.” This led to quitting sports and minimizing social interactions. “They probably won’t amount to anything anyway,” my husband would say. Family dinners were replaced with summer classes and ACT prep. Over time, my husband stripped Ethan of all the tools needed to balance perfectionism with mental well-being. Good grades took precedence over mental health.

Now, when Ethan calls, I share the latest news from home. Yet, he quickly shifts the conversation back to grades, and it feels like he’s forgotten how to engage in a dialogue. My husband chimes in with clichés like “That’s how you get ahead in life” and praises our son’s determination.

The person who should have been steadfast was me. Initially, I was a passive participant, then a silent observer. So yes, I want to blame my husband for our son’s unhealthy fixation on grades; but can I truly place all the responsibility on him?

For more insights on this topic, check out one of our other blog posts here. If you’re interested in understanding the nuances of home insemination, Make a Mom is a great resource. Additionally, for comprehensive information on intrauterine insemination, visit the Cleveland Clinic.

Possible Search Queries:

In summary, the pressure to achieve perfect grades has transformed my son into an anxious loner, and while I want to point fingers, the reality is more complex. Both my husband and I played a part in shaping his mindset, and now I grapple with the consequences of our actions.

Keyphrase: “anxious perfectionism in children”

Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]