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Kudos to my mom. My two boys are the youngest of her 21 grandchildren, and she treats each one of them the same. If she forgets to send a quirky birthday check of $25.17 (she thinks it’s amusing to throw in random cents), she makes sure to remind everyone else in their birthday cards throughout the year. She’ll add a note like: “I forgot to give Frannie a little cash for her birthday, so you all get nothing too! Better luck next year!” She believes she’s hilarious, and the kids agree. I know if my dad were alive to meet his youngest grandsons, he would have joined in on the fun, treating them no differently than their cousins, regardless of their adoption.
Unfortunately, my mother-in-law’s attitude is starkly different. She has clear favorites and, without a doubt, my boys have never made it into her top seven out of nine grandchildren.
My mother-in-law exhibits narcissistic tendencies, thriving on the admiration of others. In her world, she flaunts her Louis Vuitton and Mercedes, while in the realm of her grandchildren, she impresses with extravagant trips to Disney and lavish ice cream outings. However, my sons are unimpressed; what they desire is a grandparent who genuinely engages with their interests—like exploring bugs or seeing how many tennis balls they can fit in our rain gutters. For years, she has interrupted them when they excitedly share their latest discoveries, diverting the conversation to their cousins’ academic achievements and athletic accolades, which are valued in her eyes. To her, my children don’t seem like true family members. She makes subtle jabs about how they differ from the others, often saying, “Must be because they’re adopted,” with a wink, as if it’s a joke.
I overlooked several signs that she wouldn’t readily accept my adopted kids. Years before my boys arrived from Korea, a local couple adopted a daughter from China, and my mother-in-law deemed their choice selfish. She questioned why they would bring a child into their family who wouldn’t resemble them. That mindset predictably extended to us when we chose adoption. Our decision to build our family this way was treated as a topic to be avoided, and any mention of adoption was drowned out by her loud, distracting chatter. It felt as if discussing adopted children was akin to revealing family secrets, like Uncle Frank’s infidelities or my stepbrother’s embezzlement; taboo in polite company, even among family. My mother-in-law never had to voice this explicitly; her actions spoke volumes.
Why did I ever think things could change? She had ample time to warm up to the idea of her new grandsons before they came home, and I hoped she’d instantly bond with them upon seeing their charming faces. But love at first sight was not in the cards; they were seen as outsiders even before their arrival.
“I love all my grandchildren equally,” she often claims. However, the gifts under the Christmas tree tell a different narrative. The other three grandsons consistently receive winter coats, not identical in style but always the same color. While they find it amusing, the tradition signifies a sense of unity and family connection. The three oldest often score nice jackets, while my boys typically receive whatever old sweater vest happens to be in stock—gifts that end up in a drawer for most of the year before being donated.
Surprisingly, my sons appear to have climbed in her esteem recently, largely because the other grandchildren have moved away. At my eldest’s high school graduation, my mother-in-law gave him a heartfelt hug, saying through tears, “I’m so glad you became part of our family.” My husband found it touching; I felt the opposite. My immediate reaction was, “Well, too little too late.” The word “became” particularly irked me. She could have said, “I’m so glad you are part of our family,” which is what she would have said to all her non-adopted grandchildren. Her choice of words revealed that she still views him as “adopted,” a conditional member of the family. In that moment, it became painfully clear that she had not truly accepted him.
For more thoughts on family dynamics and acceptance, check out this blog post here. For those exploring the journey of parenthood, Make a Mom is an excellent resource, and Healthline offers valuable insights on intrauterine insemination and home insemination.
Summary
This article discusses the challenges of familial acceptance, particularly in relation to adopted children. The author contrasts the unconditional love of her mother with the conditional affection from her mother-in-law, revealing deep-rooted biases against adoption. Despite attempts to cultivate a strong family bond, the mother-in-law’s attitudes and behaviors perpetuate feelings of exclusion for the adopted grandchildren.
Keyphrase
Mother-in-law rejection of adopted children
Tags
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