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The day after Thanksgiving, I’ll be giving my four kids (and maybe my partner) a kiss goodbye, hopping in the car, and diving into a glorious eight days as a K-pop band enthusiast while my partner holds down the fort at home. Just to clarify, this isn’t my first solo trip this year, and I have zero regrets (aside from maybe wishing I had embraced more adventures when I was younger and less tied down).
Whenever I mention my upcoming trips — whether it’s a weekend getaway with friends or attending a concert — the usual question arises: “What does your partner think about all this socializing?” If I’m feeling diplomatic, I’ll respond, “Oh, he’s perfectly fine with it; he’s used to it.” If I’m not in the mood, I’ll quip, “One of us deserves to have a good time — and it’s definitely me.”
I refuse to feel guilty for wanting to live my life on my own terms; after all, it’s my only shot at this thing. It’s not my responsibility to ensure my partner’s happiness — that’s on him. I’m not preventing him from pursuing his passions, so why should he object to me doing the same?
He’s a father, and he’ll manage just fine.
I’m exhausted by the well-intentioned yet deeply sexist remarks like, “How nice of your partner to watch the kids for you,” or “Will he manage with the kids all alone?” Last I checked, my partner is also a parent to our four children. He’s not babysitting; he’s parenting.
His role didn’t end after contributing half of their genetic makeup. While I primarily serve as a stay-at-home mom and help homeschool our kids, my partner is an incredibly involved parent. He handles a significant portion of the bedtime routine, plays with the kids, and takes them to activities when he can, even opting to skip outings with friends to spend time with them. When I ask him why, he simply shrugs and says he enjoys their company, leaving me perplexed.
I adore my children and would do anything for them, but engaging in board games or binge-watching their latest obsession? No thanks.
Why do mothers always take the heat?
Whenever I write about my more relaxed parenting style or admit I’m not the ideal wife, the comments flood in, labeling me as narcissistic, abusive, or whatever mental health diagnosis happens to be trending.
But why is this the norm?
I know I’m not the only mother who dislikes cooking, who taught her kids independence early, or who doesn’t revolve every moment around her (admittedly lovable) children. Women frequently reach out to me to express gratitude for voicing their feelings and making them feel less isolated.
But let’s face it: Women are often painted as the villains.
Patriarchy. Hegemony. Religious norms.
And who maintains the patriarchal structure? Women do, often enforcing it harshly.
Stop Accepting Weaponized Incompetence
When my partner traveled for work, leaving me with three children under seven while heavily pregnant, no one asked how I would cope. No one inquired if I could handle being outnumbered by a trio of tiny, wild humans while expecting another.
No one asked if he had prepared meals for us or organized the kids’ schedules before leaving. They assumed all childcare responsibilities fell to me.
Here’s the truth: Child-rearing is also my partner’s responsibility. It’s just as much his domain as it is mine. He is an adult, capable of managing things.
When I leave, I don’t worry about meals because he knows how to provide for the kids. If necessary, the kids can fend for themselves. He understands their schedules and consults our shared family calendar. And then he actually follows through.
I’ve never had to beg him to do these things; I expect him to fulfill his role. Why? Because these children are his too, and he is capable. If he couldn’t handle basic life skills, how could he be the primary breadwinner?
I’m not saying I don’t adjust things to make his life easier; I do. I recognize that when I’m away, things might not run smoothly, and that’s okay. I’m fortunate he works from home, and my kids are older now, but I put in my time when they were younger and more challenging without him working from home.
Let’s normalize men — and all husbands — not exploiting their perceived incompetence. Let’s make it unacceptable for them to downplay their responsibilities and shift the burden of parenting entirely onto capable women.
I believe in both them and you.
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