Are We Misusing the Term ‘Gaslighting’?

Updated: November 13, 2021

Originally Published: November 12, 2021

The term “gaslighting” has become a frequent part of our conversations, especially in the realm of troubled relationships. It often surfaces when one partner accuses the other of “gaslighting” or being a “gaslighter.” Generally, this accusation implies that the accused is intentionally manipulating the other person, leading them to doubt their own perception of reality. The concept originated from the 1944 film “Gaslight,” where a man slowly drives his wife to question her sanity, partly by denying the dimming of their gas-powered lights.

While “gaslighting” is certainly a popular term today, are we using it accurately? Perhaps not always. In a Psychology Today article, Dr. Emma Carter explains that situations we perceive as gaslighting can sometimes be mere manipulation, disagreement, or simply someone being inconsiderate. While gaslighting is indeed a form of negative behavior, not every instance of poor behavior qualifies as gaslighting.

Dr. Carter, author of Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People — and Break Free, identifies two essential components of gaslighting: making someone doubt their own reality and doing so with intention.

Gaslighting is a specific type of manipulation, but not all manipulation is gaslighting. Behaviors like harassment, criticism, and coercion can be manipulative but do not necessarily involve making the target question their sanity or perception of reality. For instance, if one partner tells the other they are incompetent to gain control, that is abusive criticism. It’s a valid reason to end a relationship, but it doesn’t qualify as gaslighting unless it causes the criticized partner to doubt their own beliefs or experiences.

Gaslighting is more subtle than straightforward insults. It often manifests as a series of comments that erode the victim’s confidence: “You got top grades in school? But didn’t you attend that poorly funded school?” A gaslighter creates scenarios that lead the target to question their intelligence and reality, ultimately making them more susceptible to manipulation.

Similarly, disagreement is a common aspect of relationships but does not equate to gaslighting. It’s normal for partners to remember events differently. As long as it doesn’t lead to one partner belittling the other or causing them to question their sanity, it remains a disagreement. Memories can be flawed, and differing perspectives are typical. However, if a partner’s disagreement leads you to doubt your own reality or if they deny clear facts, you might be experiencing gaslighting.

In a previous relationship, I had a partner who would twist events to absolve himself of wrongdoing, even when confronted with evidence. This left me in a state of disbelief about my own perceptions. Resolving conflicts with someone who constantly alters reality is impossible, as it’s a hallmark of gaslighting.

Is Intent Always Necessary?

While Dr. Carter emphasizes that gaslighting requires intentionality, Dr. Jamie Lee notes that someone can gaslight without being consciously aware of their actions. A person might attempt to control another without realizing the specific manipulative tactics they are employing.

It’s crucial to acknowledge that although my former partner might not have intended to gaslight me, his behavior led me to question my sanity. His need to be right overshadowed the truth, making me doubt my own memory.

We may sometimes overuse the term “gaslighting” in our frustration. However, trust your instincts. If someone consistently makes you doubt yourself or your reality, it’s important to pay attention to those feelings. Surround yourself with supportive friends who can help clarify your perspective. Whether you’re dealing with a gaslighter or simply a difficult person, you deserve happiness.

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Summary:

The term “gaslighting” is often misapplied in discussions about relationships. While it refers to a specific form of psychological manipulation where one person causes another to doubt their reality, not all forms of disagreement or criticism fall under this category. Understanding the nuances can help individuals identify unhealthy dynamics in their relationships. Trust your instincts and seek support when navigating these complex situations.

Keyphrase: gaslighting

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