Recognizing and Responding to Emotional Overwhelm in Children and Teens

My daughter, Mia, embodies the spirit of a true fire sign. She expresses her feelings openly, takes bold chances, and often surprises me with spontaneous, lightning-fast hugs. I’ve been fortunate to experience her vibrant energy for over six years now, but it was only after her fourth birthday that I truly felt prepared to manage her emotional landscape. Like the character Bruni from “Frozen 2,” Mia can be ignited by her feelings, but with the right love and space, she transforms back into a cuddly ball of joy.

In essence, my daughter experiences emotions with every fiber of her being. Navigating her intense highs and lows has been an incredible journey. It’s one thing to care for a child or teenager who has strong reactions to life, and entirely different to be caught up in those emotions yourself. This was my experience with Mia for many years until therapy and medication helped me learn to manage the emotional storms within me. Her spirited nature would often overwhelm me, triggering a fight-or-flight response as she expressed herself in every possible way a toddler can.

After a year of counseling, I finally understood why my daughter’s behavior affected me so deeply. It turned out I was experiencing significant emotional flooding due to past traumas, which adversely impacted my mental and physical health. Recognizing and healing from this has been life-saving, especially during the chaotic parenting days brought on by COVID-19.

Understanding Emotional Flooding

Emotional flooding occurs when our emotional systems become so overwhelmed that we can only function in “survival” mode. It’s akin to being swept away from rational thought into a state of emotional chaos, where current events feel like a threat to our well-being. Stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol surge during these episodes, making it difficult to think clearly. Our bodies react as if a saber-tooth tiger were chasing us, signaling us to either fight or flee. This instinctive response still exists today, often triggered by the emotional imprints of past traumas.

Now, consider what it’s like for a child to handle the chaos of recent times, compounded by the stress of watching their parents struggle. Children not only feel a lot, but they may express these emotions in unexpected, explosive ways — and they don’t do this intentionally. I know this well from my own childhood experience of grappling with intense emotions without any guidance on how to manage them.

It took me a long time to grasp why emotional flooding was a daily challenge for my family. By opening up about it, shedding feelings of shame, and addressing the panic that stemmed from my tumultuous upbringing, I began to understand. I had repressed many emotions from my childhood, and having my own children triggered a release of these buried feelings.

“The reality is that it is not easy to hold back from acting out when we are completely enraged or feeling utterly devastated,” writes a contributor for The Gottman Institute. “However, if you accept the idea that your perception is unreliable during flooding, you at least have a fighting chance of regaining control.”

While this concept resonates with parents, it’s much more challenging for a young child or teen to navigate the overwhelming tide of emotions. They often struggle to articulate what they’re feeling, making it harder for us to help them.

Strategies for Parents

According to my insightful therapist, the best approach is to help our children slow down their emotional systems so they feel safe again. We can achieve this through our words and actions, and by modeling emotional regulation ourselves. When we see our little ones tense, faces turning red, ready to erupt, we can respond with a calming tone, breathe deeply, kneel to their level, and speak softly. It’s crucial to prevent them from harming themselves or others, but we should also strive to remain gentle and composed. The goal is to be a safe haven for our children during these turbulent moments and never to punish them for being overwhelmed.

It can take up to twenty minutes for someone to recover from emotional flooding, which means we need to adjust our reactions as parents. It’s natural to feel rattled by the loud cries and messy tears of an emotional outburst, but our children rely on us to guide them toward emotional safety. Importantly, we must not take their words, like “You’re stupid and I hate you!” personally. Emotional flooding is a natural experience for all ages, and accepting this can help us navigate these challenges more effectively.

Acknowledging your child’s feelings is vital for helping them recognize their emotions. However, they may not always have the language to express what they’re experiencing in the moment. Co-regulating with them — staying in tune with their emotions while showing patience and understanding — is crucial. If adults struggle to think clearly during these moments, we can’t expect our kids and teens to do so either.

I’ve learned that my daughter often gets frustrated when I remind her to breathe deeply during her emotional outbursts. Instead, I discuss the benefits of focused breathing once things have calmed down. She also observes me using a cold pack on my forehead to cope with my own PTSD symptoms when I’m overwhelmed — a technique that can trigger the body’s diving reflex and ground us.

If you’re experiencing emotional flooding, just keep moving forward. Remember, this temporary state is something everyone experiences. Navigating through a wave of feelings is challenging, but helping our kids — and ourselves — find the path to self-compassion and emotional resilience is invaluable.

Additional Resources

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Summary

This article discusses emotional flooding in children and teens, detailing how overwhelming emotions can impact their behavior and well-being. The author shares personal experiences and insights on managing these intense feelings, emphasizing the importance of providing a safe environment and modeling emotional regulation for children. It highlights strategies for parents to help their kids navigate emotional turbulence and underscores the universal nature of these experiences.

Keyphrase: emotional flooding in children
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