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A few months back, I shared a lighthearted video on Instagram showcasing my home, which was bustling with kids. The day before, I had put in the effort to deep clean the first floor, feeling proud of my accomplishment. But, as expected, that feeling was fleeting. Within hours, my children had joyfully turned every room into a chaotic playground, completely disregarding the order I had worked so hard to create.
As they dashed into the living room with popsicles in hand, ready to dive into their “Peppa Pig” game, I felt a wave of disappointment wash over me. I knew the shame was creeping in, and I wasn’t in the mood to face it. As I looked around at the scattered toys, half-eaten snacks, and hardened play-doh, I decided to document the scene and poke some fun at my chaotic home. The aim was to provide a laugh for others, remind fellow parents they’re not alone, and get real about the messiness that comes with parenting. Most importantly, I wanted to banish that shame as quickly as it had arrived.
Naturally, I received some harsh criticism from a few overly opinionated individuals online who deemed me a “lazy” parent. It felt as though they had taken my own negative self-talk and parroted it back to me. One particularly annoyed commenter told me to just “get it together” and keep my house clean — as if maintaining cleanliness were as simple as flipping a switch.
But here’s the truth: for me, cleaning is not a straightforward task. There are days when it takes all my energy just to get out of bed. On others, my anxiety and the effects of my Complex PTSD can lead to non-epileptic seizures, making it difficult to move for weeks. At times, I feel immobilized by the clutter that accumulates, piling up until I can’t navigate my space or muster the mental clarity to tackle it.
Additionally, I juggle the demands of supporting my husband, who has ADHD and anxiety, while he works long hours at multiple jobs. My toddler, a sensory-seeking whirlwind of imagination, adds to the chaos, alongside his creatively spirited six-year-old sister, who loves to change costumes and collect toys. And let’s not forget that I’ve recently returned to being a work-from-home parent while also being the household’s personal assistant.
Cleaning can feel like an insurmountable challenge.
When the tide of unwarranted shame and panic rises, I employ a few strategies, though they’re not fail-proof. These steps help me navigate my day with self-compassion and without judgment. They allow me to focus on what truly matters — my mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
1. Take a Break from Home
When shame hits hard, I step outside for some fresh air. Sitting on my porch and gazing at the sky helps clear my mind. Deep breaths, and sometimes a cold pack on my forehead, allow me to refocus on what’s important: my mental health takes precedence over any to-do list. I remind myself that I am safe now, free from the dysfunctional environment of my past.
2. Acknowledge My Worth
My value as a person isn’t dependent on my ability to keep my home spotless. There’s nothing inherently good or bad about having a clean or messy house — it doesn’t define who we are. Moreover, it’s a privilege to have the physical and mental capacity to clean or to afford help when needed.
3. Share Responsibilities
Cleaning shouldn’t fall on one person alone. I contribute to my family in various ways that may not yield immediate satisfaction like a tidy home does. When I feel overwhelmed, I communicate with my husband, put on some music, and have a cleaning/dance party with the kids. I also check in with myself: Have I eaten? Drank enough water? These reflections help me remember that I don’t have to shoulder the burden alone.
4. Take it Slow
Cleaning doesn’t have to be a marathon. Sometimes, I’ll scoot around on the floor while vacuuming or tackle one room at a time, stopping when my chronic pain flares up. I give myself permission to skip cleaning if I’m not feeling well mentally or physically.
5. Utilize Resources
Living with a disability means I have to adapt my environment to suit my needs. I strive to create a home that works for me, learning from experts like therapist and mom KC Davis, who emphasizes that we shouldn’t feel responsible for saving the world when we’re struggling to take care of ourselves.
6. Embrace Humor
When I begin comparing myself to others, I remind myself that social media often presents a curated version of reality. Everyone has their struggles, and it’s not my job to measure up to anyone else’s standards. My focus should be on my own mental stability and seeking support when necessary.
7. Recognize Past Patterns
My previous obsession with cleanliness stemmed from a trauma response, as I grew up in a chaotic environment. Having my own family has forced me to let go of unrealistic standards. Now, I find joy in creating loving memories rather than maintaining a pristine home.
8. Celebrate the Chaos
I remind myself of the joyful moments behind the mess. My son’s adventurous spirit and my daughter’s creative expressions often leave a trail of art and toys, but that’s part of their growth. The laughter and love we share matter far more than a tidy living space.
These strategies are personal and may not work for everyone, but that’s the point. Parenting and creating a nurturing home doesn’t have to be a competitive sport. Ultimately, we are so much more than our messy houses, and there’s so much more to life than shaming ourselves for not keeping everything spotless.
For more insights, check out this other blog post on Home Insemination Kit. If you’re looking for guidance on insemination, Make a Mom offers reliable resources. Additionally, Hopkins Medicine provides excellent information about fertility and IVF services.
Summary
When the shame of a messy home strikes, it’s essential to embrace self-compassion and understand that our worth is not tied to cleanliness. By taking breaks, sharing responsibilities, and recognizing the joy in chaos, we can navigate the challenges of parenting with grace. Remember, our homes are filled with love and memories, which are far more important than maintaining a spotless environment.
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