I’m My Mother-in-Law’s Main Caregiver, and It’s Made Me Resentful

For the past twelve years, I’ve enjoyed a generally happy life after leaving my tumultuous family for my husband’s seemingly perfect one. However, I now wonder if I made the right choice. My mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s, and somehow, I’ve become her primary caregiver.

No one officially designated me for this role; it seems that out of six sons and six daughters-in-law, everyone else is simply “too busy.” To me, that translates to a lack of interest, especially now that she’s no longer funding extravagant family vacations. They all know I will pick up the slack.

My mother-in-law has a challenging personality, and I must admit, I haven’t always liked her. She treasures expensive items like Limoges and Waterford, while I find value in a reliable car that gets me to the grocery store. She believes that anyone who doesn’t know how to set a table like Emily Post belongs to a lower class, whereas I sometimes resort to plastic utensils when our forks are all in the disposal. Her home is adorned with fresh flowers daily, while we just vacuum cat hair off the couch when guests arrive. Our differences have been highlighted by her condescending comments, often in public. I never anticipated becoming the person she relies on most.

Caring for her has certainly been less soul-crushing than it could have been if her dementia had not softened her previously rigid demeanor. She has become more absent-minded and nurturing, often offering snacks and warm gestures. While I should feel grateful that this role has brought us closer, I find myself overshadowed by a deep sense of resentment towards the rest of the family.

As my mother-in-law has begun to forget names, birthdays, and even how to use the microwave, her family members, who live nearby, seem to have disappeared. They rarely check in or visit, leaving me to handle everything from reminding her to take her pills to ensuring she eats and bathes. I don’t want to sound like a martyr because I know everyone contributes in their own way. Just this morning, my sister-in-law texted to say she’d arranged a pedicure for our mother-in-law, but added, “I’m out of town, so someone has to take her.”

The term “someone” comes up frequently. “Someone has to take her to get new shoes.” “Someone needs to help her find her remote.” “Someone has to take her keys away.” And everyone knows that “someone” is me. When my brother-in-law mentioned he’d be visiting my mother-in-law next week but wanted me to reschedule the physical therapist, it felt like a slap in the face. While he was planning his trip to Jamaica, I was left to juggle her needs.

Not once has anyone in the family offered to genuinely help. Instead, I receive empty compliments like “You’re amazing” or “I couldn’t do what you do.” Those words have become infuriating. I find myself thinking, “I don’t want your praise; I want real assistance.” Hearing those phrases feels manipulative, as if they expect me to do the work while they offer hollow gratitude.

Friends suggest that I should step back, but how do you leave an 89-year-old with Alzheimer’s to fend for herself? I’m uncertain about how this will unfold, but I refuse to continue being the family’s go-to person.

You often hear that families can splinter after the death of a parent, revealing the true nature of relationships. I feel like I’m experiencing something similar, even though my mother-in-law is still alive. I once felt closely tied to my husband’s family, but as I navigate this role alone, I’m left feeling abandoned and resentful.

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In summary, my experience as my mother-in-law’s caregiver has been fraught with challenges and resentment, particularly towards my husband’s family, who have largely abandoned their responsibilities. Despite the changes in her personality due to Alzheimer’s, I feel overwhelmed and unsupported. It’s a complex situation that leaves me questioning my role and the dynamics within the family.

Keyphrase: primary caregiver resentment

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