We Experienced a Loss Today - modernfamilyblog.com

By: Emily Carter

Date: November 8, 2021

Trigger Warning: Miscarriage

Today, we faced the heartbreaking reality of losing our baby. Writing has always been a source of solace for me, and as I put these thoughts down, I find a bit of comfort amidst the pain. I am now a mother of six—four children here with me and two in spirit. I never thought I would find myself sharing this, especially after having four healthy pregnancies. Yet, I find myself in the midst of a miscarriage with our fifth child.

This morning began with unexpected bleeding. I was nine weeks pregnant and was supposed to have my first ultrasound tomorrow, but deep down, I sensed that wouldn’t be happening.

At 5:45 a.m., I found myself wrestling with a glimmer of hope. Perhaps I was overthinking things. Maybe everything would turn out fine after all. I had already chosen a name and was eager to learn the baby’s gender—something I had never done before.

As the morning unfolded, reality began to set in. I struggle to push these thoughts away, feeling overwhelmed by the gravity of this loss. I feel guilty for my initial nonchalance towards this pregnancy and for feeling embarrassed to share the news with my family. I worried about their reactions, imagining them thinking, “Don’t they know how this happens?” I had a dream that the baby was a girl, and I longed for a little sister for my daughter.

My age is a haunting factor. At 38, I know the odds of a healthy pregnancy after two miscarriages dwindle significantly, especially at my age.

At 6:01 a.m., the tears began to flow. I am not usually one to cry; it’s rare for me to shed tears, but now I couldn’t stop. A pause in the bathroom allowed me a moment to collect myself, but I heard someone stirring upstairs. My children have no idea what’s happening; they don’t know I was pregnant or that I am losing their sibling.

I don’t want my partner, Mark, to see me in this state. He has a big meeting today, and I don’t want him to feel guilty for leaving me alone. It’s best if I deal with this on my own; we all grieve differently.

At 6:55 a.m., I scrolled social media and was confronted with pregnancy announcements. I felt a deep sadness, as I realized I may have taken this pregnancy for granted. I thought it would be another easy addition to our family. Unfortunately, my intuition told me something was wrong. I hadn’t gained any weight, and I hadn’t experienced morning sickness, which made me uneasy.

At 7:07 a.m., the doctor’s office would open soon. I was supposed to go in for my ultrasound, but I already felt the crushing reality of what was happening. The bleeding continued, and I needed to check again. I heard someone flush the toilet upstairs; it was time to clean myself up.

Mark had spoken with my mother, and she was on her way to help with the kids. He canceled his meeting to stay with me. I was grateful yet felt guilty about his absence from work. What if they could put me on bed rest? It’s a silly thought, but I clung to hope that everything might still be okay.

I had imagined this baby would arrive in May, a time that would spare me the hot summer months of pregnancy. I dreamed of another spring baby, but now those hopes felt shattered.

At 7:20 a.m., I decided to give myself a few more minutes to cry before I had to put on a brave face for my daughter. I regretted losing precious time to tears, but the grief felt overwhelming. I was desperate for hope, praying that somehow, everything would turn out alright.

By 9:35 a.m., my doctor managed to fit me in for an appointment at 2:10 p.m. The bleeding intensified, confirming my fears. Mark took charge of the kids while I tried to rest. I felt the weight of exhaustion and heartache as the day dragged on.

Later that evening, my worst fears were confirmed: I had a miscarriage. Mark remained by my side, and my mother took the kids for the night. I hadn’t left my bed since the morning. After the appointment, Mark and I went for sushi—something I had envisioned celebrating with after the birth in May. It was bittersweet yet comforting, as we talked about our lives and the children to distract from the immense pain.

By the end of the day, I felt drained and lost in thought. My doctor reassured me that even though this was my second miscarriage, it didn’t determine my future ability to have a healthy pregnancy if we chose to try again. Mark left the decision entirely up to me, but I was uncertain of the path ahead.

I wondered how long the bleeding would last, why this was such a common experience, and how my children would react if they knew they were going to have another sibling. I hoped to find the strength to share our story someday.

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Summary:

Today, I faced the heartbreaking loss of my fifth child through miscarriage. After four healthy pregnancies, the experience was devastating. As I navigated my emotions, I dealt with feelings of guilt and fear, contemplating the implications of my age and the possibility of future pregnancies. My husband stayed by my side, and with the support of family, I began to process the loss. The journey through grief is personal and complicated, and I hope to find the strength to share this experience.

Keyphrase: miscarriage experience

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