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Emotional abuse can be incredibly perplexing. Unlike physical abuse, the perpetrator doesn’t resort to hitting or slapping. They might not even raise their voice. Yet, their actions can be belittling, painful, and isolating, making you feel unworthy and instilling a deep-seated fear—of them and of yourself.
Many individuals who endure emotional abuse often spend years in denial about their situation. This misunderstanding can stem from childhood experiences that present a different image of what abuse looks like. For instance, when I faced emotional abuse as a child, my stepmother never resorted to physical violence or threats. She did raise her voice and occasionally throw objects, but the most damaging aspect of her behavior was her silence.
My stepmother frequently employed stonewalling, a tactic where she would shut down and refuse to engage in conversation during or after conflicts. She would lash out, and then withdraw completely, leaving my brother and me feeling helpless and abandoned. There were times when she wouldn’t communicate with us for hours, or even days, leaving no opportunity for resolution or understanding.
Stonewalling can manifest in various ways and isn’t always abusive. Verywell Mind distinguishes between “unintentional stonewalling,” which occurs when someone shuts down emotionally to cope with overwhelming feelings, and “intentional stonewalling,” which serves as a means of manipulation or punishment. It’s in the latter case that stonewalling crosses the line into emotional abuse.
When an abuser goes silent, it can be a deeply traumatic experience. In my own encounters, I often felt the weight of blame shift onto me, despite being just a child. The lack of communication left me questioning my actions and feeling responsible for the conflict, even when I hadn’t done anything wrong.
While stonewalling is frequently associated with romantic relationships, it can occur in any type of relationship, including friendships and workplace dynamics. A close acquaintance, Sarah, found herself in a similar situation with her partner. After a significant argument stemming from external stressors like job loss, her boyfriend abruptly stopped communicating with her for an extended period, leaving her feeling isolated and distressed. Unfortunately, she rationalized his behavior, believing she might have provoked his silence.
It’s important to recognize that stonewalling varies in severity. Most instances do not involve prolonged silence for days or weeks; often, it’s a temporary emotional shutdown. However, there’s a crucial distinction between taking a necessary break and deliberately using silence as a weapon to belittle or control another person.
If you find yourself in a relationship characterized by stonewalling, seeking help is vital. Sometimes therapy can facilitate positive changes, but if the person employing stonewalling is unwilling to change, it may be best to consider ending the relationship. You deserve to be in a partnership that is nurturing, communicative, and supportive.
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Summary:
Stonewalling, a tactic used to manipulate or punish, can be a form of emotional abuse that leaves individuals feeling isolated and guilty. Understanding the dynamics of stonewalling can provide clarity for those experiencing it in various relationships. Seeking support is crucial for individuals in such situations, and recognizing the need for healthy communication is essential for emotional well-being.