Forgiving Your Child After They’ve Made a Serious Mistake

A few years back, my son earned his driving license. He had a leg up, having spent years working on my uncle’s farm, driving tractors, lawn mowers, and pickup trucks.

The first time I got into the car with him, I was like any concerned parent—nervous and tense—while he exuded confidence. He aced his driving test on the first attempt, driving a standard car that he had saved up for and truly wanted. He cherished that car, dedicating hours to washing and waxing it, and he poured his earnings into customizing it. He worked hard on weekends, drove himself back and forth from work, took his siblings to school, and even paid for his gym membership.

In short, he was a responsible kid.

In our state, minors can’t have friends in the car until they’ve maintained a clean driving record for nine months. I reminded my son of this rule several times, and he assured me he wouldn’t break it. “It’s not worth it,” I said. “If you get caught, you’ll have to start over.”

Although I had never witnessed him driving friends around, I had my doubts. He accused me of always assuming the worst and urged me not to worry.

Just two weeks before he reached the nine-month milestone, he went out for a drive. It was during the pandemic, and he claimed he just needed to get out, planning to stop at the store for gas and an energy drink. I wished him well and settled in for my show. Less than ten minutes later, I received a call from him saying he had flipped his car. He reassured me that he was fine, but the car was a total wreck.

“Don’t panic when you see it,” he cautioned.

Instead of heading to the store, my son had taken a joyride with three underage friends he met nearby. He took a turn too quickly, and they all had to crawl out from the wreckage of his overturned vehicle. He didn’t notify the police; a passerby did.

I arrived just as the officer showed up. His friends stayed for support, while my son admitted to driving them around when he shouldn’t have. He lost his license for three months and couldn’t carry any passengers for another nine after it was reinstated.

While I was relieved that he and his friends were unharmed, I was furious about his dishonesty. Not only had he broken the law, but he had also put himself, his friends, and others on the road at risk. This law existed for a reason: without the incentive to show off for his friends, my son might have acted more responsibly.

Days later, I was still seething. I heard a podcast discussing guilt, where the therapist explained that clinging to guilt is counterproductive and can cause more harm. I wanted my son to feel guilty; I believed he should. But then I realized I had a choice: I could punish him and allow him to move forward without constantly reminding him of his mistake, or I could obsess over his error, fearing he might repeat it if I didn’t keep bringing it up.

That summer taught me a lot about second chances. My son had disappointed me, and I no longer trusted him, but I recognized the importance of giving him an opportunity to regain that trust. My brother-in-law, an elementary school principal, often emphasizes that granting kids a chance to make amends is vital.

If we hold onto anger and refuse to trust them, children might feel they have nothing left to lose and become even less inclined to follow the rules. Why would they try to be respectful if they believe we are perpetually disappointed in them?

I’m not suggesting our children don’t need consequences; they absolutely do. But they also deserve second chances, support, and guidance. Shutting them out only causes harm to both them and us, and things will not improve.

As parents, we must trust ourselves that if poor behavior continues, we will impose additional consequences when necessary, instead of keeping their mistake looming over their heads. Doing so will only create distance and discourage open communication.

I won’t claim this was easy—resisting the urge to hover over him when he began driving again was tough. However, what he needed most was my belief in him.

That was almost a year and a half ago, and it ultimately taught him a valuable lesson. Since then, my son has had no further incidents. Just the other day, he picked up his brother from school and witnessed one of his friends speeding in the parking lot, getting pulled over.

He remarked, “It felt so good to drive by and be a good kid. Seeing that cop gave me flashbacks.”

Trusting our children after they make mistakes can pay off—even when it feels like the last thing they deserve.

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Summary:

Forgiving your child after a serious mistake can be challenging, but it’s essential for fostering trust and growth. By allowing them a second chance and providing support, parents can help their children learn from their errors rather than punishing them indefinitely. This approach encourages accountability while maintaining open communication and connection.

Keyphrase: Forgiving your child after a mistake

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