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Domestic violence manifests in various ways, including emotional manipulation, constant anxiety, and financial abuse. Have you ever felt the need to justify every purchase you make to your partner? For instance, imagine you’re at the grocery store and decide to treat yourself to something you love, only to feel anxious because you know that if your partner finds out, even a small expense like $2.99 could lead to an explosive confrontation.
“You’re so selfish! Don’t you care about anyone but yourself? Is having this treat more important than our children?” These are the kinds of accusations that can follow, even if it’s your first personal expenditure in months. Despite working and earning your own money, it often seems forgotten in such situations. This is a clear example of financial abuse, yet it remains a topic that is seldom discussed.
Sadly, many individuals only recognize financial abuse after they have escaped it. I can relate because I experienced it firsthand. As it turns out, financial abuse is present in 99% of domestic violence cases. It involves one partner using financial control to create an imbalance of power, leveraging fear to keep their partner submissive.
In my family, joint finances were the norm; my parents and grandparents practiced it. I thought that’s how marriage functioned—what’s mine is ours—until it wasn’t. Despite being employed for years, I found myself losing control over my finances for the first time.
After a few months of marriage, my paychecks would vanish as soon as they hit my account, leaving only a predetermined sum for groceries. This wasn’t just any amount; it was a very specific figure, and I had to stick to it. I recall frantically calculating the cost of items as I pushed my cart, always anxious that my total would exceed the limit.
Even today, years later, the anxiety resurfaces every time I go grocery shopping. The fear of having my card declined was overwhelming; I would hold my breath as the cashier rang up my purchases, praying that my calculations were correct. “I’m sorry, dear cashier, please take off items until my total is exactly $150.00.” Can you imagine the embarrassment of not having enough funds?
But that was just the surface. Financial abuse goes beyond mere money management; it also aims to prevent the victim from achieving financial independence to escape. One common tactic is sabotaging employment. In my case, my partner couldn’t stop me from working, but his interference made it hard for me to perform my job effectively.
My paychecks were deposited into a joint account, and my partner expected me to print and submit my pay stubs for “tax purposes.” It baffled me because I thought that was what W-2s were for. For years, I diligently edited my pay stubs to reflect the joint account deposits while secretly stashing away some money to eventually leave the relationship. The fear of being discovered and the potential repercussions made me constantly anxious.
While it may seem extreme, I recognize that this ability to hide money was a privilege. I had a job that allowed me to open a fee-free bank account and the means to edit my pay stubs. The reality was that I shouldn’t have had to do any of this; the money I earned was rightfully mine. However, when you’re trapped in an abusive situation, your understanding of legal rights becomes clouded by fear.
My partner’s scrutiny of my spending, the interference with my work, and the denial of access to my earnings were all indicators of financial abuse. Abusers intentionally instill fear to blur the lines between what you are told you can do and your actual rights, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed.
In any relationship that should be based on mutual respect, if your partner uses finances to exert control over you, that is abuse. Physical abuse is often easier to identify because it leaves visible signs. In contrast, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse is more insidious, making it difficult to articulate your experiences to others. When seeking help, you might be met with, “Why don’t you just leave?” But it’s never that simple. It took me over a decade to find a safe and empowering way to exit that relationship.
To anyone reading this who identifies with my story, know that you are not alone. We see your struggles, and I assure you, you deserve love, respect, and to be cherished. Healing is possible.
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Summary:
Financial abuse is a critical aspect of domestic violence that often goes unnoticed. It manifests through manipulation of finances, emotional coercion, and control over a partner’s ability to gain financial independence. Many individuals only recognize this abuse after leaving the relationship, as it can be difficult to see the signs while embedded in the situation. Understanding and addressing financial abuse is essential for those affected, as it can lead to significant emotional and psychological harm.
Keyphrase: Financial abuse in domestic violence
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