Embracing the Difficult Aspects of Grief

This year was meant to celebrate thirteen years of marriage, a milestone where we would jokingly acknowledge superstitions surrounding unlucky numbers. Instead, it marked my fourth anniversary waking up without my partner — my fourth year as a widow raising two children alone and contemplating the life we could have shared. This year, however, I found myself confronting the difficult emotions surrounding my grief.

On the morning of my anniversary, I didn’t receive the usual flood of “Happy Anniversary” texts like I did in the early years of my marriage or the supportive messages from my widowhood. Instead, it was just another hectic weekday filled with rushing kids, a dog with a vet appointment, and an overwhelming pile of laundry.

During my grocery run, I spotted a cookie cake in the bakery section with “Happy Anniversary” written in pink icing. I paused, feeling a surge of anger. In a different world, my husband would be alive, and I would have bought that cake to celebrate our anniversary. But that fantasy world doesn’t exist, and this wasn’t a happy anniversary.

As I shopped, I found myself circling back to that cake multiple times. I reached for it, not to celebrate our love or the wonderful memories we shared, but out of spite for the unknown person who would eventually purchase it. I resented them for having a partner to share that cake with, for sharing moments I could no longer enjoy. I wanted to buy the cake just so they couldn’t.

This is where the ugly side of grief comes into play.

Grief encompasses a range of emotions: heartache, loneliness, nostalgia, fear. None of these feelings are pleasant. They can be challenging to confront and even harder to navigate alongside friends who are experiencing them. But they are also the feelings we often discuss and write about.

Yet, grief is even more complex. It has ugly aspects we tend to avoid discussing because they are uncomfortable. Most of us aspire to be kind and spread positivity; I certainly do. But there are moments when I feel resentment, jealousy, and anger — emotions I wish I could ignore.

In that grocery store, I realized I was tired of pretending these feelings weren’t there. It’s exhausting to mask my anger that we were meant to have forever together and yet only shared a fraction of that time. Ignoring these ugly feelings doesn’t make them vanish; it allows them to fester and grow.

I came to understand that grief includes aspects I’m not proud of, and hiding them doesn’t eliminate their existence. They are merely part of being human.

Embracing all of our feelings, even the less beautiful ones, is essential. The key is to acknowledge them without letting them dominate our lives. I didn’t buy the cake that day. Instead, I chose to acknowledge my feelings without letting them define me. Perhaps someone else would buy it for the right reasons.

Instead, I treated myself to something special — an extravagant coffee maker that my husband would have delighted in purchasing for me. I’m enjoying coffee from it now, and it feels more fulfilling than cake — plus, it has a longer shelf-life.

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Summary:

This article examines the complex emotions associated with grief, highlighting the importance of acknowledging even the uncomfortable feelings. The author reflects on their anniversary, grappling with resentment and jealousy while ultimately choosing to embrace their emotions without allowing them to define their identity. Instead of succumbing to bitterness, they celebrate themselves with a meaningful purchase, representing a step toward healing.

Keyphrase: Embracing the Difficult Aspects of Grief

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