My Children Will Always Be in Grief — I Adjust My Parenting Accordingly

My children are navigating grief. They’ve been in this process for nearly four years, and if you consider the anticipatory grief, it’s closer to six. This means I’ve been raising grieving kids for four years, not including the earlier times when their grief was nameless and faceless.

In the initial stages of their grief, right after their father passed away, the emotions were overwhelming. It was evident in their tears, tantrums, and even late-night stomachaches. My parenting had to shift dramatically to accommodate their intense grief. Every decision—from whether to have breakfast at our favorite diner to allowing a friend to sleep over—was made with the understanding that their grief was raw and just beneath the surface. When my son misbehaved, instead of reacting with anger, I embraced him until his big feelings subsided. I approached my daughter’s slamming doors with a calm demeanor. I permitted extra treats and sometimes overlooked a messy playroom. From afar, it may have appeared I was giving them free rein without any repercussions. However, that was a conscious choice. I couldn’t discipline a meltdown or a slammed door as I once might have, because the root cause had transformed. Their grief shaped my parenting.

As time passed, their grief became less overt, less visible. They smile and laugh more often now. They can discuss their dad without tears in their eyes. Yet, their grief remains, surfacing unexpectedly with striking intensity. A poignant example of this was when my daughter wrote her first free writing assignment for English class. She chose to write about cancer—specifically, her father’s battle with brain cancer. Her essay recounted moments I thought she had forgotten, including times when his anger took over due to medication and instances when he struggled to articulate his thoughts. Reading her words broke my heart, reminding me that grief still occupies space in her mind and heart—and likely always will.

As their grief has evolved, so has my approach to parenting. The days of unlimited desserts are behind us. They are now expected to tidy up after themselves and contribute to household chores. Misbehavior is discussed and addressed, with consequences applied depending on the situation. While it seems like I’m parenting in a straightforward manner, it is far from simple. Grief continues to linger beneath the surface, affecting their behavior and mine. This means that every decision I make as a parent is influenced by the layer of grief I know exists.

Sometimes, I choose to avoid situations that may trigger painful memories, as I feel it’s my responsibility to shield them. Other times, I allow them to face those triggers in hopes of teaching them to navigate their emotions, since they will encounter grief throughout life. I examine every behavior through a grief-influenced lens. Sometimes a tantrum is just a tantrum, but I also consider whether grief is amplifying their emotions. Did my son just leave a gathering full of friends and their fathers? Did my daughter hear a detailed recounting of a “dad dance” performed by her friends’ fathers?

Parenting grieving children means that their loss influences every choice I make, even the small ones. Their grief is always in the back of my mind. To outsiders, it may appear that I’m still indulging my children and excusing their missteps. That’s not the case. They have boundaries and make plans with friends. They are kids—but they carry the weight of grief within them. They will always grieve, which means I will always parent grieving children, and my approach will reflect that. I’m not the same parent I was during the initial stages of grief, nor am I the same parent I was before grief touched our lives.

Some losses fundamentally change you—shaping how you live, eat, sleep, and perceive the world. The grief stemming from those losses doesn’t have a clear endpoint; it transforms over time. Life expands around that grief, but it remains, influencing how we live our daily lives. Grief and loss have indelibly altered my children’s childhoods. They will never be the kids they might have been otherwise, and this shift has changed my parenting as well. I will never be the parent I might have been.

It’s undoubtedly exhausting to parent in this manner. There’s a lot of second-guessing and uncertainty involved. However, there’s also something profoundly meaningful about it. I strive to parent with intention, being attuned to my children’s emotions. I may not always succeed, but I always try. I hope my children feel heard, protected, and grow up in a home that fosters empathy—something even my pre-grief parenting aspired to achieve.

For more insights on parenting and grief, check out this article on understanding grief triggers. Additionally, Make A Mom offers excellent resources on home insemination, while Womens Health provides valuable information on pregnancy and infertility.

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In summary, parenting grieving children requires a careful balance of empathy and boundaries. As their grief evolves, so too must my parenting approach, always keeping in mind the enduring impact of their loss.

Keyphrase: parenting grieving children
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