I Just Can’t Seem to Get to Sleep

pregnant woman sitting on bed in blue dress with coffee mug

For me, drifting off and staying asleep feels like an uphill battle. I find myself staring at the starry night lights that my kids insist on keeping lit until they fall asleep. Once they finally doze off, I switch off the twinkling stars and attempt to catch some Z’s myself. But alas, I can’t. Much like the children’s book suggests, I tell myself to “Go the F**K to Sleep.” Insomnia has returned with a vengeance.

By the fourth sleepless night, exhaustion hits hard, prompting me to reach for a Xanax. While it offers some relief, dependency on it is not what I desire.

Like many mothers, my struggle with insomnia began during pregnancy. I tossed and turned, dealing with discomfort from my growing belly while carrying multiples. In those early months post-birth, I navigated through a haze of late-night feedings and gassy cries like a pro. Now that my kids are older, my sleep is frequently interrupted by nightmares, bathroom trips, or the need for snuggles — all while insomnia looms.

According to the Office of Women’s Health, one in four women experiences insomnia. Primary insomnia is a recognized sleep disorder, but doctors often investigate underlying medical issues first. Secondary insomnia occurs alongside other conditions, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, or GI disorders. Those afflicted with insomnia are ten times more likely to experience depression and seventeen times more likely to suffer from anxiety. I’ve been diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety, hence the occasional reliance on Xanax.

The Sleep Foundation suggests that adults aged 26 to 64 require seven to nine hours of sleep each night. Approaching forty, research indicates that older women often face chronic insomnia more frequently than men.

I typically crawl into bed by 10:00 p.m. after binge-watching “Schitt’s Creek,” sometimes even as early as 9:45 p.m. My partner and I usually retire to bed together, but once she falls asleep, she starts snoring. Could she be the culprit behind my insomnia? Thankfully, our white noise machine helps drown out those sounds. Yet, I can’t pinpoint exactly what’s keeping me awake.

After kissing my kids goodnight and saying my prayers, I reflect on all the things I’m grateful for — from my children to my job security. I try to calm my mind and let go of the day’s stressors.

I wriggle around in bed, hoping that changing positions will somehow work better than my Xanax. I count down from ten, but nothing seems effective. Perhaps it’s the anticipation of the night ahead; I know our youngest will wake up, claiming her bed is uncomfortable, leading me to end up in her unicorn-themed blanket, feeling disoriented by morning, as if I’ve woken up from a hangover.

That’s how insomnia feels after a prolonged battle: like a brutal hangover. During those long nights, I often create mental lists of home projects I want to tackle, pondering potential decorations and cost-effective solutions. Before I know it, I’m lost in a Pinterest spiral, only to remind myself that window shopping at 1:00 a.m. is futile.

Sometimes I rely on Xanax to help me sleep. I try to use it sparingly, as both my parents struggled with addiction, and I’m wary of heading down that path. I challenge myself to go up to four nights without solid sleep before considering taking a Xanax. On other nights, I seek alternative methods: meditation, reducing coffee intake, taking a day off from work, or disconnecting from the internet. Some of these strategies work — I just wish I could find something consistent.

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Summary

Insomnia can be a daunting challenge for many, especially for parents. This article details the author’s personal struggles with sleeplessness, highlighting the impact of anxiety and motherhood on sleep quality. It explores various coping mechanisms, the prevalence of insomnia among women, and the delicate balance of using medications like Xanax. Finding a consistent solution for sleep remains an ongoing quest.

Keyphrase: insomnia struggles
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