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Growing up, I never identified as a “sexual being,” but it took me many years to understand why. In a Christian household, discussions about sexuality were virtually non-existent. While I found both boys and girls attractive, I felt no urge to act on those feelings. As my friends began to explore their own bodies, I found myself paralyzed. I had no interest in oral, anal, or vaginal sex. Ultimately, I discovered that I am asexual.
At 12, 14, or even 17, I had no clue about my asexuality. I married my husband at 23, still unaware that I was different. Although we were intimate, I often felt detached and pretended to enjoy it. I faked pleasure and orgasms because I loved him and wanted him to be happy. I thought I was broken. Like many grappling with identity, I spent over a decade trying to “fix” myself. We explored various sexual experiences, but last summer, I realized the issue was not me; it was my perception of how things should be. I was burdened by societal expectations of marriage, making me feel unworthy.
Ironically, my revelation came while I was walking and listening to a podcast about identity and queer life—an area I also identify with. The guest on the show identified as asexual, a term I didn’t fully understand. As she shared her experiences, I felt an undeniable connection. She too had no desire for sex. This prompted me to delve deeper into what it means to be asexual.
According to WebMD, asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual attraction or low interest in sexual activity. Some asexual individuals may still engage in sexual experiences for various reasons, including pleasing a partner or having children. Many asexual people have romantic relationships and go on dates; they simply do not feel sexual attraction. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, as noted by Bell Magazine, with some experiencing sexual attraction (allosexuals) and others not (asexuals). I find people attractive but do not feel physical arousal.
I am coming to terms with my identity and finding comfort in this label. It reassures me that I am not broken or alone. However, being asexual in a heteronormative marriage presents challenges, especially since I came to this realization later in life. My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have two children. We’re navigating this new understanding together, discussing our feelings openly, though uncertainties remain. I’m working with a new therapist to understand my emotions and to accept myself. My husband and I are learning to build intimacy without sex, exploring our relationship in a fresh way.
Will this be sustainable? I don’t know. But I can no longer live in denial. I must embrace who I am: a woman, a writer, a runner, a mom, and a queer person. A queer ace.
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