It was my first group therapy session, a gathering of diverse women, each with their unique struggles with eating disorders. At 22, I had been wrestling with my own eating issues for several years. Among the participants was a mother who candidly shared her experience. I was taken aback when she revealed that she had resorted to purging while her child was nearby. The guilt and shame she felt were palpable, yet she felt powerless to stop.
I remember thinking, “Get it together! You should have sorted this out before becoming a mom!” My reaction was harsh and indicative of my ignorance—especially since more than a decade later, I found myself pregnant with my first child, grappling with similar demons.
Despite having a baby on the way, I quickly realized how overpowering my eating disorder was. The urge to purge after meals, a habit I had perfected over the years, haunted me. The shame of prioritizing my eating habits over the health of my unborn child was overwhelming. I felt like the worst person imaginable, tormented by the fear of causing harm to my baby due to my selfishness.
Each day was a struggle, filled with self-loathing and relentless inner criticism: “You’re disgusting. You don’t deserve this baby.” When we become parents, we often prepare in every way possible—reading books, setting up nurseries, and ensuring car seats are secure. I entered motherhood while still entrenched in an eating disorder, foolishly believing that carrying a child would magically resolve my issues.
After my baby was born, my inner turmoil only intensified, overshadowing any worries I had about my baby’s health. The urgency to shed the baby weight was suffocating. I didn’t want to be the mom who complained about postpartum weight gain; I wanted to be the one who effortlessly bounced back into shape, posing confidently in bikinis just months after giving birth.
The harsh reality was that I was a new mom still grappling with an eating disorder that had dominated my life for nearly two decades. I felt lost and uncertain, questioning if I would ever be free from this part of my identity.
Fortunately, there is a silver lining. After several years of motherhood, I can proudly say that I am on a path to recovery. It wasn’t parenthood that sparked my healing; rather, it was recognizing where I needed to devote my energy. Chasing after two toddlers, balancing work, and managing a home meant my focus had to shift. Slowly but surely, my fixation on food began to fade as I redirected my energy toward the more significant moments in life.
Of course, the temptation still lingers. I can hear that familiar voice during meals or when I walk through the grocery store. My heart races at the sight of indulgent treats like nachos or fresh donuts, and stepping on the scale can still trigger anxiety about the lingering weight from my second pregnancy. However, instead of succumbing to those thoughts, I choose to step off the scale and embrace my family. I prioritize hugs from my children and moments with my husband. This is where my energy belongs now; this is what truly matters. I’ve finally discovered what it means to feel at home.
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Summary
In this post, I shared my journey of confronting an eating disorder while navigating the challenges of motherhood. My story reflects the struggle, guilt, and eventual healing that many new moms may experience. It’s a reminder of the importance of focusing on what truly matters—family and well-being.