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Recently, my husband took our children to the pediatrician for COVID testing after one of our kids had been exposed to a positive case at school. After asking the kids a few questions, the doctor stopped and assumed that my husband was their foster dad. This isn’t the first time we’ve faced such an assumption, nor will it likely be the last. Our family has been multiracial and adoptive for over a decade, with us (the parents) being white and our kids being Black. Regardless of whether we have one child or all of them with us, medical professionals often jump to the conclusion that we are foster parents.
Let me clarify: there is nothing wrong with being a foster parent. In fact, we desperately need more foster families, given that there are around 400,000 children in the U.S. foster care system, with 120,000 waiting to be adopted. The challenges that foster parents face are immense, as many children enter care due to neglect or abuse, inevitably experiencing trauma from separation. Each year, about 20,000 children age out of the system without a permanent, loving family. The statistics are indeed staggering.
However, the fact that my husband and I are of different races than our children does not imply they are in foster care. In reality, most children in foster care are white. So, when people see two white parents with children of a different race and assume they are foster parents, this is a clear example of racial bias and stereotypes surrounding foster care.
A few years back, I took my eldest child to the hospital for a scheduled tonsillectomy. The registration staff asked for our insurance card, which included all our family members’ names. We share the same last name and are under the same policy. Yet, the staff member frowned and asked for my daughter’s “papers.” I was taken aback and asked what she meant by “papers.” All we were instructed to bring was the insurance card, and my five-year-old daughter was growing anxious about her upcoming surgery.
The staff member continued to press for “papers” that would prove my relationship to my daughter. I was incredulous. “She’s calling me Mommy, we have the same last name, and we share insurance. She’s my daughter!” I replied. Despite my insistence, she continued to press for documentation, prompting me to explain, “We don’t carry around birth certificates or court documents.” I added that her doctor was fully aware of our relationship and that we were there for her surgery, not to be subjected to an interrogation.
At that moment, I noticed a white couple with a white child going through registration nearby. The staff member never asked them for proof of their relationship. While I was trying to comfort my nervous daughter, the registration staff member was playing detective. I couldn’t help but wonder, who would take a random child to surgery? It was a bizarre situation, and it seemed so unreasonable.
We openly embrace our identity as an adoptive, multiracial family. I’ve written extensively about race and adoption. However, when a medical professional questions our relationship in front of our children, it feels othering and embarrassing, all based on racial assumptions.
When we sought a new pediatrician, the intake nurse made a similar assumption. She asked, “And you are…?” to which I replied, “Their mother.” She frowned and insisted on labeling me as their foster mother. I reminded her that we share the same last name and that the kids call me Mom. Yet, she still pushed the narrative of “foster mom” instead of recognizing my role as their mother.
Medical professionals need to recognize that their assumptions can create discomfort in already stressful situations. When someone is visiting the doctor, it’s typically not for a joyous occasion. Instead of interrogating us, they could easily Google information regarding adoption or multiracial families to educate themselves. While I don’t mind educating others, it should not come at the expense of my family’s privacy or emotional well-being.
To clarify, I understand that medical professionals must identify the adult accompanying the child. However, there is a respectful way to do so. For instance, asking the child, “Who brought you today?” or inquiring, “What is your relationship to the child?” are both tactful approaches that do not rely on racial assumptions. Such questions should apply to every adult and child visiting the office—not just interracial families.
In our case, my husband corrected the doctor, stating, “I’m their dad.” When the kids returned home, they found the incident amusing and a bit odd. We joked that they should have told the doctor he’s their “white dad.” Within our own home, we function like any normal family, but it’s clear that some people struggle to understand that families can be diverse and still just as “real” as any other.
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Summary:
This article discusses the author’s experiences with racial assumptions made by medical professionals regarding her multiracial, adoptive family. The narrative highlights the need for sensitivity and respect when addressing family dynamics, especially in medical settings. The author emphasizes that assumptions based on race can be harmful and that there are more appropriate ways to inquire about relationships.
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