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Setting boundaries might seem straightforward in theory: identify what serves you best and create limits around it. Your relative believes in wild conspiracy theories? Easy—block her online and skip the family gathering. A so-called friend turns out to be a draining narcissist? Simply cut ties—there’s no time for negativity. Your boss asks you to work late without extra pay? Politely decline and leave at your scheduled time.
If only it were that simple.
In practice, establishing boundaries—particularly with individuals we encounter daily—can be intricate, challenging, and often requires ongoing effort. If you resonate with my experience, saying “no” can sometimes create a knot of anxiety in your stomach that feels overwhelming.
We are all aware of the significance of setting boundaries. We know that letting ourselves be taken advantage of can lead to mental health issues like anxiety and depression. We understand that overcommitting at work can result in exhaustion and burnout. We’ve heard the advice about putting on our own oxygen masks before assisting others.
This is where the logical aspect of boundary-setting lies—the clear-cut, rational concepts.
The challenging part is cultivating enough self-awareness and self-respect to overcome the guilt that can accompany boundary-setting. “We live in a society that does not celebrate prioritizing oneself. It is not honored,” shares relationship expert and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, Carla Jennings, in an interview. “We’re often more concerned about how others will react—whether they will be upset or if setting a boundary might jeopardize the relationship.”
So, how can you shake off the unsettling feeling of selfishness that sometimes accompanies boundary-setting?
Trust Your Instincts
“When your life is impacted by a lack of healthy boundaries, it’s essential to listen to yourself,” Jennings advises. Consider the example of a well-known athlete who made headlines for stepping back from competitions when her mental health was at stake. She knew her limits better than anyone else; why question her intuition?
While most of us may not experience life under such scrutiny, we can all check in with ourselves to recognize when a situation is unwholesome.
Practice Out Loud
Just like you might rehearse self-affirmations in front of a mirror, you can practice boundary-setting affirmations as well. “No is sufficient.” “I cannot please everyone all the time.” “It’s perfectly acceptable to prioritize my needs sometimes.”
You can take it a step further by simulating conversations. Does your ex-partner make snarky remarks every time you meet? Does your mother-in-law imply doubt about your child’s allergies? Role-play these interactions in front of a mirror. Anticipating their responses and practicing your replies can empower you when it’s time to assert your boundaries.
Avoid Over-Explaining Yourself
This is what we mean when we say, “No” is enough. You don’t owe anyone elaborate explanations beyond what is necessary for them to understand your boundary. Your boss doesn’t need to know about your family commitments; they simply need to be informed that you won’t be working overtime. Your mother-in-law doesn’t require proof of your child’s allergies; she just needs to understand why you’re limiting her access.
Be Open to Revisiting Boundaries
Over time, you may find that you can handle certain behaviors from others that previously warranted strict boundaries. Perhaps the individual has changed, leading you to want to give them another chance. Relaxing a boundary doesn’t signify weakness any more than establishing it indicated harshness. Pay attention to your instincts—it’s absolutely fine to reconsider how you feel about people and situations as they evolve.
Conversely, you might find it necessary to tighten a boundary. That’s perfectly valid too. You have the right to safeguard your mental health by not allowing toxic influences into your life.
Build a Support Network
We all have an understanding of what setting boundaries entails. The emotional labor involved in feeling entitled to set those boundaries can be more challenging. If you find yourself struggling, gather supportive friends who can remind you of your right to peace. Consider seeking guidance from a therapist for additional strategies. Resources like Jennings’ book can also provide practical insights.
If you’re accustomed to prioritizing others above yourself, asserting your needs can feel daunting. However, you deserve to be free from toxicity and overwhelm. You deserve self-care. And trust me, few feelings compare to the sense of relief that comes from establishing a clear boundary and witnessing the peace that fills the space previously occupied by negativity.
For more insights, check out this related post on reclaiming your peace and explore expert advice on using at-home insemination kits from Make a Mom. For further information on pregnancy, visit this excellent resource from WHO.
Summary:
Establishing boundaries is crucial for mental well-being, but the process can be complex, especially for those used to accommodating others. Recognizing your instincts, practicing assertiveness, and avoiding excessive explanations are key. Be open to adjusting boundaries as situations evolve, and seek support from friends or professionals. You deserve self-care and a peaceful life free from toxic influences.
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