Stop Telling Sons of Single Moms They Need to Be ‘The Man of the House’

My household is predominantly female. There’s me, my daughter, and even our dog is female. The only boy is my son, who has been in this position ever since I became a single mom after my partner passed away following a rapid and brutal battle with brain cancer.

Reflecting on my own upbringing, I also grew up in a female-centric household with my mother, sister, and me. My brother was the lone male, and like me, my mother was a single mom, though her situation stemmed from abandonment rather than loss. When my father left, he rarely looked back—except for the occasional, belated birthday call.

During those years, it was common for adults to pull my brother aside and insist that he needed to be the “man of the house” now that our mom was on her own. He was only six at the time.

I remember witnessing those moments, seeing my brother’s shoulders slump and his gaze drop to the floor, as if all that was expected of him weighed heavily on him. It was too much to ask of a child, and even then, I recognized it. What I didn’t know was that I could speak up.

Now, I find those same words directed at my son—thankfully, not as frequently as my brother experienced. Usually, it’s older men who tell him, “You need to be the man of the house now.” This time, I know better than to remain silent.

Telling a child they must take on the role of “the man of the house” after the loss of a father—or any parental figure—is deeply problematic. What does it even mean to be “the man” of the house? That phrase is rooted in outdated gender norms and societal expectations. Why does a household need to have a man? What unique contributions does a man bring that a woman cannot? For nearly four years, I have managed our home alone, and while it would be nice to have another adult to share the responsibilities, it’s certainly not a necessity, nor does that person need to be male. I’m confident that if I teamed up with another solo mom, we would successfully run our household.

Moreover, telling my son he needs to be the man of the house undermines my capabilities as a parent. Although I understand the intention might be to encourage my strong-willed son to complete his chores without resistance, it implies that the speaker doubts my ability. It suggests that I am not enough.

We all need support—after all, it’s said that it takes a village. However, asking my son to be that support adds pressure and insecurity to my parenting decisions. It conveys the message to him that I’m inadequate and places the burden on him to fill those gaps.

What truly pains me is the burden itself. I remember how my brother struggled under the weight of others’ expectations. He often felt like a failure for not fulfilling roles that were never meant for him, leaving him with a sense of inadequacy.

I refuse to let my son bear that same weight. My primary responsibility as a parent is to protect my children, and that is a duty I take very seriously. Therefore, my response to anyone suggesting that my son needs to be the man of the house is often immediate and forceful, striving to erase that thought from his mind. No, he does not need to take on extra responsibilities beyond what he had in a two-parent household. What he truly needs is to be a child—loved and safe—without the expectation of stepping into adult shoes prematurely.

It’s 2023, and it’s high time we stop telling the sons of single mothers that they must be the “man of the house.” Frankly, it’s time to retire that phrase altogether.

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Summary:

The article addresses the issue of societal expectations placed on sons of single mothers to assume the role of “man of the house” after the loss of a father. The author, Jamie Carter, shares her personal experiences and reflections on how these expectations can burden children, highlighting the need for them to simply be kids. She advocates for ending the outdated notion that a household requires a man to function effectively and stresses the importance of support for single mothers without placing undue pressure on their children.

Keyphrase: Stop Telling Sons of Single Moms They Need to Be ‘The Man of the House’

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