Many Parents Are Misunderstanding What ‘Gentle Parenting’ Truly Means

One of the trending topics in parenting discussions today is “gentle parenting,” also known as “positive parenting.” If you’ve encountered this concept online, you may have noticed a variety of opinions in the comments.

Some people express their admiration for what they believe gentle parenting entails. They often argue that children can’t manipulate and that every emotional outburst from a child, regardless of how disruptive, should be accepted or even encouraged. These individuals exude a sense of confidence, thinking their children possess greater emotional intelligence than those raised without gentle parenting methods.

Conversely, others dismiss the idea, believing that gentle parenting equates to letting children dictate every aspect of their lives, resulting in entitled and overly dependent behavior.

Both perspectives indicate a misunderstanding of what gentle parenting really is. Many confuse it with permissive parenting, which studies show can negatively affect a child’s growth. When parents fail to establish loving yet firm boundaries or indulge inappropriate behavior, children with certain temperaments may exploit this lack of structure, leading to destructive or dangerous actions.

However, gentle parenting is distinct from permissive parenting. Those who mistakenly believe they are practicing gentle parenting may actually be indulging their children, which isn’t beneficial for either party. Gentle parenting focuses on creating clear, loving boundaries without resorting to harsh punishments. It involves recognizing a child’s needs, validating their emotions, and teaching them to consider the feelings of others when expressing their own.

In essence, gentle parenting aligns closely with authoritative parenting. Having spent 15 years as a parent, I suspect that the more contemporary term “gentle parenting” arose from a desire to distance itself from “authoritative,” a term that can sound too similar to “authoritarian” — a style of parenting widely regarded as detrimental. Yet, if you compare descriptions of gentle or positive parenting to authoritative parenting, they are nearly identical.

Gentle parenting doesn’t mean allowing children to behave poorly. Rather, it signifies using methods other than force to establish expectations. The parent remains the guiding authority, while also respecting the child’s emotions and developmental stage.

For instance, if a three-year-old intentionally spills juice, the gentle response would involve having them help clean up the mess while discussing why it happened. You might deduce that they want to practice pouring, suggesting a fun water play activity as a constructive outlet. This approach teaches the child that spills aren’t acceptable while also addressing their desire to explore.

In contrast, if an eight-year-old spills juice on purpose, the response should vary. At this age, they can clean the mess independently, and you would clarify that while feeling angry is normal, expressing that anger through such actions is not acceptable. Further consequences would depend on the underlying cause of their frustration.

With gentle parenting, the caregiver acts as a detective, seeking to understand the motivations behind a child’s challenging behavior. For example, an eight-year-old upset about losing video game time might be struggling with a shift in routine, such as starting school. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution.

What gentle parenting is not, however, is a parent cheerfully cleaning up after a child’s tantrum while offering more screen time as a calming strategy. That scenario represents permissive parenting and is not suitable for children of any age. Yet, many people seem to visualize this when they think of gentle parenting.

Gentle parenting emphasizes maintaining composure. While I doubt any parent can claim to never yell, as we are all human and have our moments, the goal is to minimize yelling and focus on guiding children toward acceptable behavior rather than simply punishing them.

You may have identified as an authoritative parent without realizing you were also embodying gentle parenting principles, or you might have mistakenly thought you were practicing gentle parenting only to find you were indulging your child instead. Either way, now you know: gentle parenting is essentially another term for authoritative parenting. Regardless of what you call it, research consistently shows it is the most effective approach for raising emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted, confident, and responsible children. Enjoy your journey with gentle parenting!

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Summary:

Gentle parenting, often confused with permissive parenting, involves establishing firm yet loving boundaries while validating children’s emotions. It’s closely related to authoritative parenting and is key to raising emotionally intelligent and responsible children.

Keyphrase: gentle parenting

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