In a thought-provoking essay featured in the New York Times, a writer named Jenna Lane discussed her experience as a guest on a podcast hosted by a group of male friends. This podcast aims to help straight white men understand how to be better allies by engaging with voices that don’t share the same societal privileges.
Jenna identifies as a plus-size, white feminist and reflects on a pressing question that has haunted her since the infamous “grab them by the pussy” remark made by a former president: “Do you ever stand up for me?” This seemingly simple question is, in fact, loaded with significance, especially in the aftermath of the events that have unfolded since late 2016.
It’s easy for men to dismiss women’s concerns as mere oversensitivity following Hillary Clinton’s election defeat, but the reality is far more complex. The moment the last president took office, a targeted campaign against women began. The term “war” feels apt, as many men—particularly cisgender, heterosexual white men—often perceive their way of life as under threat when women advocate for equal treatment.
What a radical idea, right? Yet, the struggle for recognition and equality by marginalized groups seems to provoke a backlash that is hard for them to digest. The trolls are rampant online, and even those who profess to be allies may not act in solidarity when it matters most. Are they genuinely standing up for women in private, or only when it’s convenient?
I must admit, my circle of friends does not predominantly include straight white men. As a woman of color, our experiences may not align. One of my closest male friends is my ex-partner, and I trust that he would defend both me and others from marginalized communities when the time comes, rather than opting for the comfort of silence.
Jenna uses the term “buzzkill” in a compelling way; women seeking fair treatment are often labeled as such, which in turn makes any man who speaks against sexist behavior seem like a buzzkill too. Here’s the reality: no one is trying to ruin your fun, but there is a clear distinction between humor and offensive behavior. When you cross that line, it’s time for someone to call you out.
In the early days of my relationship, I often found myself in spaces dominated by straight, white men, feeling pressured to conform and keep the atmosphere light. I would chuckle at jokes I didn’t find amusing to earn my spot as “the cool girlfriend.” I regret this, and I know many women can relate. When in male-dominated environments, we often feel compelled to shrink ourselves to fit in, but I refuse to do that any longer.
Men, it’s not a difficult task to speak out. Do it consistently. It’s the right choice. If your fear of losing social standing in a misogynistic environment is keeping you silent, it’s time for some self-reflection. You cannot claim to support women while simultaneously laughing along with misogynistic comments; doing so makes you complicit.
Women are individuals and deserve respect and equality, irrespective of their relationships with men. It is infuriating when high-profile men begin to criticize sexism by referencing their daughters or wives, as if women’s value is only tied to their familial roles. I shouldn’t be valued for being “yours” in some way, but rather for being your equal.
So, for those men who assert that they are allies or even feminists: Are you providing women with the space we deserve, even in our absence? Think about this. Are you truly backing us up when it’s challenging? Jenna’s friends noted that they face ridicule for standing up for women in male-dominated settings. Are you prepared for that? Will you allow other men to treat you as women are often treated—dismissively and insultingly? If this notion unsettles you, then you’re not an ally, so don’t label yourself as such.
As a mother of a young boy who will soon transition into manhood, I will ensure he understands the importance of demanding respect and equality for women among his peers. This is not something that previous generations instilled, but we can no longer ignore the issue. You don’t have to become a radical activist, but simply calling out sexist (or racist) behavior in your social circles is a crucial first step.
Women are people, plain and simple. So, muster the courage, stop being passive, and advocate for equality—even when it’s uncomfortable for you. Especially when it’s uncomfortable.
In summary, men must actively engage in the fight against misogyny and sexism. Speaking up is essential to fostering equality, and true allyship requires courage, even in the face of discomfort. If we want to build a society that respects and values all individuals, it’s imperative for men to use their voices and influence to support women.
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