In a long-term relationship, you learn a few things. For starters, it turns out that some clichés hold true. For instance, my partner hates it when I leave the toilet seat up. I used to think women had the ability to navigate the bathroom without issue—apparently, I was mistaken and now have to ensure my partner doesn’t accidentally plunge into the porcelain void.
Secondly, my home has a much nicer aroma than it would if I were a 40-year-old bachelor. Our living space is filled with candles—more than you’d find in any candle shop. Step inside, and you’re greeted by scents of cinnamon, the “ocean” (which actually smells more like coconuts and verbena than fish), and sandalwood. Honestly, I have no clue what verbena, jojoba, or sandalwood even are. It seems like some clever marketer came up with these names, and no one had the guts to question it.
Whatever they are, they certainly beat the lingering scent of deodorant, leftover pizza, and beer. Plus, if we ever need to alert our neighbors about an impending invasion, we are more than prepared.
Finally, if it’s a show about flipping houses, searching for properties, or renovating homes—whether in America or abroad—there’s a high chance I’ve seen it. Not because I’m interested, but because my partner enjoys these shows (and it seems many other women do as well, judging by the advertisements). My preferred viewing choices—like MSNBC and reruns of animated comedies—aren’t exactly her cup of tea.
Having endured a plethora of episodes of various house-hunting and renovation series, I’ve picked up on some trends that need addressing. While I could spend my time more productively—like diving into the literary works of great authors or starting a local charity—I’ve chosen instead to poke fun at HGTV’s programming.
1. Hardwood Floors Under Every Carpet
Every episode features someone pulling back a worn carpet only to exclaim, “Look! Beautiful hardwood floors!” Really? There can’t possibly be stunning hardwood beneath every piece of carpet in America. If the previous owners had gorgeous hardwood floors, do you think they would have chosen to cover them up? Just once, I’d love to see them pull up a carpet and find nothing but dirt—no foundation, just good old-fashioned soil. “Congratulations! You scored a yurt!”
2. The Desire to Entertain
Am I the only one who prefers quiet evenings alone? Every couple on these shows insists they love hosting guests. Let’s be honest; most of us would rather kick back in our PJs with snacks while watching the news. Unfortunately, that’s not an option if you want to stay in a relationship.
3. The Shoe Closet Stereotype
Every woman on these programs seems to need a gigantic closet for her shoes, which perpetuates an outdated stereotype. Not every woman requires a dedicated room for footwear, just as not every man craves a man cave.
4. Man Cave Expectations
“Look, honey, this could be your man cave!” they say, giggling. Yes, it’s great to have space to watch football and drink beer, but I prefer to call my entire house my man cave. And, surprise! My partner enjoys football and beer too.
5. The Woman Always Leads
There’s a repeated theme where the woman takes charge in every family decision. While I appreciate mutual respect in relationships, the portrayal of men as clueless and women as the saviors is outdated. When women laugh at these tropes, they inadvertently reinforce gender stereotypes.
6. Unrealistic Budgets
We’ve all seen the memes: a 27-year-old dog trainer and a 23-year-old sculptor with a budget of $1.7 million. Seriously? That’s just not a reality for most people.
7. Tiny Home Buyers Wanting More Space
Tiny homes are, by definition, tiny. So why are buyers on these shows shocked that their new abode lacks room to stretch out? It’s akin to wishing for a bigger apartment in the suburbs while seeking a smaller space.
8. Waco as the Ideal Locale
According to some shows, Waco is paradise. I’ve been there, and honestly, it’s reminiscent of an uncomfortable experience, like a colonoscopy. Yes, it has its charms, but it’s hardly the idyllic place they make it out to be.
You might wonder how I know so much about these shows if I claim to dislike them. The truth? It’s a bit like Stockholm syndrome. Forced to watch, I’ve begun to develop a bond with them—rolling my eyes and critiquing the lack of accents in a room that’s been “opened up.”
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In summary, while these HGTV shows can be entertaining, they often fall into predictable patterns and stereotypes that don’t reflect reality. So, let’s toast to the absurdity of it all—perhaps with a peppermint schnapps.