That Sadness and Anger You’re Experiencing? There’s a Reason Behind It

During the initial phase of the pandemic, I found myself gazing out the window for hours. Feeling unmoored, I was constantly overwhelmed. Simple decisions became monumental challenges, from choosing a restaurant for takeout to contemplating significant career moves. When I finally did make choices, they often felt wrong or out of character, accompanied by a persistent undercurrent of fear and anxiety.

After a dreadful fall and a dragging winter, things seemed to improve in late spring. Initially skeptical, I gradually embraced a sense of hope, believing the worst was behind us. But soon that optimism crumbled, giving way to an overwhelming tide of anger—pure, unfiltered rage.

I’m not just sad; I’m furious. Each day, I grapple with a simmering anger that threatens to bubble over. Yet, on the surface, everything appears calm and even pleasant. My family is healthy and vaccinated, masks are required in our community, which eases some of my fears. I enjoy a fulfilling and flexible job, have a strong marriage, and genuinely appreciate spending time with my husband.

So, what’s the issue, you may wonder? Well… gestures broadly at the world, it’s everything.

In the early days of the pandemic, I drifted through a haze of confusion and exhaustion. I lost track of days and struggled to determine what I should be doing. Was I supposed to tidy up my closets? Take a nap? Work on my resume? Or just go for another walk? Eventually, the brain fog morphed into anxiety and an unshakeable gloom. It felt strange to admit how much I was struggling, as most days I managed to appear functional. I worked, volunteered a bit, did household chores, and kept in touch with friends. I even embraced some silver linings, like having weekends free of sports commitments and watching shows with my kids during lunch breaks. Yet, even these positives were tinged with an underlying dread.

When people asked, “How are you?” I wrestled with my response. Should I share that I felt crushed by quarantine fatigue, conspiracy theories, and a lack of empathy among people? Or should I express my gratitude for our health, safety, and the comfort of our home? Ultimately, I was too worn down to respond anything other than, “I’m fine… I guess.”

Now, nearly a year later, I still feel the same turmoil. Despite my blinding rage and deep disappointment about the ongoing pandemic, I am surprisingly, if embarrassingly, happy. This contradiction makes everything feel even more perplexing. How can I feel so angry and sad when my life is, in many ways, quite good? It seems illogical and harsh, as if I carry a dark cloud wherever I go. So what’s really happening?

The answer lies in ambiguous loss. In the early pandemic days, discussions around grief were prevalent. We mourned the loss of normalcy, security, social connections, jobs, and so much more. A year later, these losses still linger. For many, especially those of us who are highly sensitive, there’s also a mourning for our faith in humanity. I’ve always thought most people were fundamentally good, and realizing that might not be the case has shaken me deeply. But can we even grieve the loss of faith in humanity? The loss of normalcy? Turns out, we can.

According to Dr. Pauline Boss, who developed the concept of ambiguous loss, these unidentifiable losses can leave us feeling stuck. “What we have now is a pile-up of losses that are unidentifiable,” she explained. Ambiguous loss can freeze our grief, leaving us unable to move forward.

To break free from this stagnation, Dr. Boss recommends letting go of the expectation of closure. “There is no closure on any losses that we have experienced,” she states. Instead, we should aim to create purpose from our grief. Honestly, this feels daunting. Last spring, I coped by helping others get vaccinated, but now I struggle to channel my anger and sadness into something constructive. I’m just a writer, a mom, a wife, and a friend navigating these complex emotions.

I hope to find a way to transform this tragic experience into something meaningful, and I wish the same for everyone else. In the meantime, perhaps sharing this perspective will help someone feel a little less isolated.

Check out this related post for more insights. If you’re interested in the journey of home insemination, this resource from Make a Mom can provide valuable information. Additionally, Healthline offers excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.

Search Queries:

Summary:

The article explores the complex emotions of sadness and anger stemming from the pandemic and the concept of ambiguous loss. It highlights the struggle to reconcile personal happiness with feelings of rage and disappointment about the world. The author reflects on the challenges of navigating these conflicting emotions and emphasizes the importance of finding purpose in grief.

Keyphrase: Ambiguous loss during the pandemic
Tags: “home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”