20 Insights Gained from Two Decades of Marriage

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Last week marked two decades since my partner and I exchanged vows. However, our journey together started even earlier—we were high school sweethearts, and this fall, we’ll celebrate 29 years as a couple. That’s quite a lengthy commitment!

I’m not one for overly sentimental marriage posts. While I cherish my marriage, I believe there’s a lot of superficial nonsense surrounding the idea of matrimony. Strong partnerships cannot be summarized by a catchy meme or a greeting card. Much of the advice given about marriage can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment.

People often ask how my spouse and I have maintained our relationship over the years. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure! I think we share similar values regarding marriage, family, and relationships, and our personalities complement each other well. Nevertheless, when I took the time to reflect on what has made our marriage successful, I found I had plenty of insights. Here are 20 lessons I’ve learned in two decades of marriage.

  1. Find Someone Who Makes You Laugh
    Laughter is crucial in marriage and life. The challenges of parenting are far more manageable with a good sense of humor. My partner is the funniest person I know, and I’m sure our marriage thrives on humor.
  2. You’ll Revisit the Same Arguments
    You may not see it initially, but you will end up having the same arguments repeatedly, just with different contexts. Recognizing this pattern helps you navigate conflicts better, allowing you to recall how you resolved similar issues before.
  3. Acceptance is Key
    Some traits in your partner won’t change, and neither will some of yours. Over time, you’ll learn to accept these things rather than trying to alter them.
  4. Clarity on Non-Negotiables
    While you’ll accept your partner’s quirks, you’ll also become clearer about what’s unacceptable for you. This realization can either lead to growth or signal the beginning of the end.
  5. Embrace the Uncertainty
    Even after many years, it often feels like you’re figuring everything out from scratch—whether it’s finances, parenting, or household roles. New challenges arise, but you’ll grow more confident that things will eventually work out.
  6. Schedule Quality Time
    It may seem unromantic, but scheduling time for dates and intimacy becomes essential as life gets busier. Prioritizing this time is crucial for maintaining your connection.
  7. You’ll Change and Stay the Same
    While you’ll always hold onto the essence of who you were when you fell in love, you’ll also realize how much you’ve both changed over the years.
  8. Going to Bed Angry is Okay
    You might hear that you should never go to bed angry, but sometimes it’s better to give each other space. Trust that you’ll work things out with time.
  9. You Can Overcome Challenges
    Marriage can present tough times. Enduring these moments builds resilience, so when future challenges arise, you can face them with confidence.
  10. Show Up for Each Other
    Marriage is about actively participating in each other’s lives. Love is demonstrated through shared responsibilities.
  11. Desire Fluctuates
    Periods of lower intimacy are normal. Open communication about these changes is essential to maintaining a healthy connection.
  12. Shared Core Values Matter
    While minor disagreements are manageable, aligning on core beliefs is vital for long-term harmony in marriage.
  13. Happiness is Not Constant
    Being “happily married” doesn’t mean feeling joyful all the time. Emotional safety and support are far more important.
  14. Maintain Your Individuality
    Having personal interests and friendships outside of your marriage keeps your identity intact and relieves pressure on your partner.
  15. Little Irritations Don’t Go Away
    You’ll continue to find some of your partner’s habits annoying. Accepting this will help you manage your feelings.
  16. Choose a Partner Who Balances You
    Having a partner who helps with chores and responsibilities is invaluable, especially during mishaps.
  17. Understanding Aging Together
    As you navigate life’s challenges, like aging and caring for parents, you’ll appreciate the importance of having someone to share it all with.
  18. Honesty Becomes Easier
    As time passes, being candid about personal matters becomes second nature, which is liberating.
  19. Avoid Comparisons
    It’s unhelpful to compare your marriage to others. Every relationship is unique, and what works for one may not work for another.
  20. Surviving a Global Crisis is a Testament
    The pandemic revealed many things about our relationships. If your marriage can endure a quarantine, it can withstand almost anything.

These insights stem from my personal experiences, and I recognize that others may have different perspectives. That’s perfectly fine! After all, a healthy amount of disagreement is natural in any long-term relationship.

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In summary, the journey of marriage is filled with learning experiences and evolving challenges. Embracing these lessons can help couples navigate the complexities of their relationships with greater understanding and resilience.

Keyphrase: Lessons from 20 years of marriage

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