What You Might Not Expect About Life Following a Suicide Attempt

I never anticipated the reality of today. Sure, I knew the sun would rise, even if it was hidden behind a thick blanket of clouds. I was aware that the familiar buzz of bees would greet me at my window, just as the morning songs of birds would fill the air. I knew my children would awaken with wide-eyed curiosity, rushing into the living room, calling for “Mom!” But I never thought I’d still be here. I didn’t want to be here, and I certainly didn’t plan for today. I wasn’t meant to witness another Tuesday or another month—a mere 23 days. Yet, here I am, three weeks after I contemplated taking my own life.

Describing what it feels like to survive a suicide attempt is challenging. It’s like awakening on a different plane of existence. My last encounter with death wasn’t as dire as my previous experiences; while I had a plan and the means to act, I never actually went through with it. I didn’t take those damn pills. However, I was mentally ready for my heart to cease beating and for my existence to end. Recalibrating after such a moment is no easy feat. It’s difficult to regain your footing when you’ve spent months feeling disconnected from reality. Finding joy and purpose in life is a struggle when everything once felt meaningless. The “little things” that I’m supposed to cherish seem irrelevant when just weeks ago, I felt as though nothing mattered.

I am not alone in this experience. Over 45,000 people die by suicide in the United States annually, and for every one of those deaths, there are 25 attempts. This means more than a million individuals have awakened in a similar state—confused and uncertain, grappling with the challenge of moving forward. Suicide ranks as the tenth leading cause of death in America and continues to rise, especially among young people. A 2018 study indicated that more children, particularly girls, are contemplating suicide. This is a staggering statistic that cannot be overlooked.

Despite everything, I am still here. I am waking, walking, talking, and breathing. Medically, I am healthy. The pills have been thrown away, and the bottles of alcohol I once considered have been emptied. I didn’t end up in a hospital; my children didn’t discover me unconscious, as I had feared. My heart never stopped. I should feel grateful—blessed, even.

Yet, I still face challenges with everyday activities. Showering feels monumental. Mustering the energy to eat is difficult. Engaging with my children fully? I’m not quite there yet. I sleep with one eye open, feeling both exhausted and restless. I experience isolation and loneliness even in the midst of constant activity. My body is tense; my muscles ache. I crave affection but simultaneously want to scream for distance. I feel undeserving of love, and there’s a storm of conflict within me. Nothing seems coherent because I’m alive when, in my mind, I shouldn’t be. Depression told me I didn’t want to exist.

However, I am taking it step by step. Each day, I exercise to energize my body and remind myself that I am alive. I cherish moments with my children, embracing their warmth. “This is a gift,” I tell myself. “I am thankful for today.” I meet with my therapist weekly and my psychiatrist a few times a month, pushing through the discomfort. I tackle those mundane tasks, even when I don’t feel like it, because I know healing is possible. It’s only been three weeks. I will get there. You can too.

If you or someone you care about is in need of support, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or consider contacting resources like the Crisis Text Line.

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Summary

Life after a suicide attempt can be an overwhelming journey of rediscovery and healing. Each day presents its own challenges, from basic tasks to emotional struggles. Yet, through therapy, support, and small steps toward recovery, it is possible to rebuild a sense of purpose and appreciation for life. Support and resources are available for those in need.

Keyphrase: Life after a suicide attempt

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