Are Arguments a Positive Development in Relationships?

Recently, it feels like all my partner and I do is argue — but could this be a positive development?

Before the pandemic, my partner and I rarely clashed during our two decades together. We’ve been married for fourteen of those years, and while our journey has had its ups and downs, we’ve generally enjoyed a satisfying life filled with four children, a cozy home, and suburban tranquility. Then came the pandemic (though, honestly, I can’t solely blame it since he was already working from home before the lockdown), and now we find ourselves in the midst of full-blown shouting matches every few weeks.

Now, while this might be commonplace for some couples, it certainly isn’t for us. I’m the excitable and dramatic one, after all, but my partner is typically mild-mannered and easy-going. So, why has he suddenly turned into someone who expresses his thoughts and feelings — which, let’s be honest, I believe are misguided? What could he possibly disagree with me about when I’m the epitome of all that is lovely and wifely?

It turns out that after years of me overshadowing his dreams and desires, he’s finally found his voice and is actively pursuing what he wants — and I’m not thrilled about it. Sure, it’s commendable that he has his own thoughts, but why do I have to hear them? Can’t he just keep them to himself? Isn’t that what friends are for? (Oh wait, he doesn’t have any friends.)

The secret to our long-lasting relationship lies in my tendency to share my opinions while he remained silent. I often express my thoughts, and when he occasionally offers a differing viewpoint, it usually leads to conflict. Consequently, he either stopped sharing his thoughts to avoid confrontation or simply never had much to say in the first place.

You might be wondering, “Didn’t you just say you don’t talk to him much?” Well, yes, but let’s define “much.” Ultimately, I’m not really interested in hearing his opinions because they often leave me feeling disappointed or annoyed. Who wants to be reminded that their partner has questionable thoughts? I’m sure he thinks I have my share of silly ideas too — he’s just too polite to voice it, and I’m too caught up in my own delusions to think otherwise.

It sounds harsh, and while it’s not entirely untrue, it’s not the whole story either. For a long time, my partner didn’t care enough to form opinions on many matters. Since I cared about everything from the color of our car to dinner choices, I often got my way. But when he did express a preference, I would generally defer to him since he rarely cared about anything — the least I could do was accommodate him when he did.

This arrangement worked well until it didn’t. Over the past year, during what I’ve dubbed the Year of Our Lord Corona, my partner experienced his own midlife crisis. While I was navigating my own challenges a few years back, he was not exactly upset about it, but it’s possible he was, and I just didn’t know because, surprise surprise, he didn’t communicate.

And yes, you might wonder if I would have even cared — and the answer is yes, I would have. It’s not that I don’t care about his opinions; I just prefer not to have my feelings hurt. Being an imperfect partner doesn’t mean I lack feelings.

He has been generally supportive, but now he’s suddenly voicing opinions on everything. He’s disagreeing with me and making it known — which I guess is fine? He’s allowed to have his views.

Is This a Good Thing?

Yes? No? Both?

I mean, I wouldn’t dream of telling my partner that his feelings don’t matter. But I also don’t have to appreciate how he chooses to communicate those feelings. I’m pleased he’s discovering his desires and taking a stand. But why does he feel the need to share those opinions with me? I believe that other people’s opinions about you are none of your business — so why does he keep dishing out insights about me that I never solicited?

I suppose that eventually, when I overcome my frustration and act like a sensible adult again, I’ll understand the concept of “and” versus the false binary of “or.” My partner can express his feelings AND I can still feel differently without it being a conflict. I can acknowledge my defensiveness and work towards responding rather than reacting.

Ultimately, whether we stay married (which seems likely due to inertia) or not (because maybe we’re both struggling with who we’ve become), it’s a positive step for my partner. It’s important for him to find his voice and pursue his desires, even if those desires don’t align with mine.

Are Arguments a Positive Development in Relationships?

Is This a Good Thing?

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