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After a year of homeschooling and working from home, my family enjoyed the luxury of sleeping in. Most days, we didn’t rise until nearly 9:00 a.m. Transitioning back to an early, rigid wake-up schedule this year promised to be a challenge—especially for my 15-year-old son, who is definitely not a morning person.
On the eve of the first day of school, I approached my son’s bedroom, ready to enforce the bedtime and wake-up times I had set in advance. But then a TikTok video popped into my mind, where a psychologist suggested that parents treat their teenagers more like adults by allowing them to make their own decisions rather than simply dictating what needs to be done.
Instead of saying, “You need to log off in 30 minutes and then go to bed,” I asked, “We need to leave at 7:45 tomorrow. When do you think you should wake up to be ready?” He pondered it for a moment and proposed 7:00 a.m.
“Great,” I replied. “Based on that, what time do you think you should stop gaming to ensure you get enough sleep?” He suggested 10:30. I reminded him that he should aim for about nine hours of sleep. He inquired if 10:00 would work, and I agreed that sounded perfect.
No arguments, no complaints—he set his own schedule with minimal guidance. For some parents, this might seem trivial or obvious, but Lucas has ADHD and has always needed numerous reminders—some might even call it nagging—to get things done. Mornings were particularly challenging, often feeling like a monumental task to get him out of bed and caring about punctuality.
What I’m realizing from that insightful TikTok psychologist is that my teen won’t just start taking initiative without encouragement—I need to actively give it to him. I’ve spent the last 15 years managing the daily details of our lives, but as he approaches adulthood, it’s crucial to grant him more control.
My role is shifting from directing him to demonstrating confidence in his ability to set and achieve his own goals. “When you focus on your teen, understanding what’s great about them,” says relationship expert Mia Wells, “you lift and empower them to pursue their own version of success. It’s self-driven—not because they’re under your watchful eye.”
Every tactic I’ve learned from her videos resonates deeply with me. Each time I implement these strategies, I see a spark of excitement in my kids. They thrive on my trust in them. I witnessed that in my son’s expression when I encouraged him to decide his bedtime; it was as if he felt a wave of appreciation, perhaps relieved that I wasn’t just bossing him around.
Reflecting on this, it seems obvious now, but transitioning from controlling every detail to relinquishing that control is incredibly challenging. It feels odd to step away from a role I’ve held for so many years. This change in our dynamic can be unsettling for both of us.
I’ve put in the effort to guide Lucas into becoming a respectful, contributing member of our household. I’ve read extensively about helping kids with ADHD succeed and maintained high expectations for his behavior and academic performance. My strictness during his earlier years stemmed from my belief in his potential, even before he recognized it himself.
Now that he knows his capabilities, it’s time for me to stop micromanaging. In the mornings, instead of listing tasks he needs to complete, I ask, “What else do you need to do to ensure we leave on time?” This frames my inquiry as a question, prompting him to reflect on what he needs to accomplish and how much time he has left.
Ordering him around doesn’t foster his independence. It suggests I doubt his ability to manage basic tasks. While this may seem clear to some, for parents like me who have been hands-on for years, letting go can feel daunting.
However, it’s essential for me to acknowledge that sometimes, I might not actually know best. Even when I believe I do, I must step back and let him learn, grow, and even stumble on his own. He understands himself and has his own aspirations. Now, it’s time for him to create his own guidelines.
“Motivation doesn’t flow from you to them,” Mia Wells emphasizes. “You can’t compel anyone to care about anything. But you can instill the belief that they have what it takes to achieve success on their own terms.”
Though the process of letting go is difficult, I’m learning to embrace it.
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Summary
Parenting an ADHD teenager can be a challenge, especially when transitioning from a structured environment to one that allows for autonomy. By giving my son the power to make decisions about his routine, I’ve discovered that he responds positively and takes more initiative. This shift in parenting style fosters his independence and confidence, allowing him to shape his own path toward success.
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