The Unfiltered Reality of Being the Primary Caregiver

pregnant woman in blue dress with coffee mug

Let me be clear: I cherish my role as a mother. Parenthood is a profound blessing, but it often feels lonely and isolating. Being the primary caregiver is an immense challenge.

I woke up at 5:00 AM to tend to my youngest, changing diapers and providing comfort. By 7:00 AM, I was engaged in playtime with my eldest, dressing her and serving her breakfast. By 9:00 AM, I was diving into work, responding to emails, writing articles, and meeting deadlines. And yes, this all started after yet another late night spent cleaning, showering, and tackling chores until 11:00 PM. Why? Because I am the default parent in our household, and that role is incredibly demanding.

You might wonder, what exactly does “default parent” mean? I was puzzled too when I first heard the term. The default parent is the individual who takes on the majority of child-rearing responsibilities. They manage schedules, handle doctor appointments, and are expected to take time off when the kids are unwell. Default parents are the ones preparing meals, supervising household chores, and constantly picking up after little ones. We wear many hats—cook, nurse, teacher, entertainer, caregiver—and we’re the guardians of both our homes and our children’s hearts.

Additionally, default parents handle school pickups, transport kids to activities like soccer and dance, assist with homework, and respond to daycare calls for early pickups. We are the ones who soothe scraped knees and wipe away tears. This role is a 24/7 commitment, devoid of sick days or vacation time. We don’t get leisurely lunches or bathroom breaks. Sometimes, I long for the luxury of a quiet commute, just to have a moment to myself.

While I love being a mother, the experience can be isolating. I don’t have to enjoy every minute of my job to be a good mother. It can be frustrating, leading to tension in the household, as I find myself on call around the clock. I often feel resentful towards my partner, envious of his free time and adult life that exists outside the constant demands of parenting.

Moreover, being the default parent means I have to ask for help when needed, which can be incredibly frustrating. I can’t attend appointments without finding someone to watch the kids, and that can feel unjust. It’s worth noting that, in most families, the default parent is typically the mother. The legal system often reflects this, as custody is frequently granted to mothers, indicating that in many households, women are the primary caregivers.

That said, I do recognize that my efforts are valued. My youngest may not express it with words—his vocabulary is limited to simple terms—but his snuggles and kisses speak volumes. My daughter shows her appreciation and love through her words, which are truly heartwarming.

However, like anyone else, I crave solitude. I yearn for peaceful moments, like bathing or showering without interruptions. I would love a day where someone else could handle lunch packing, permission slips, and school runs.

To ease my stress, I’ve started to lean on my partner for support. I’m learning to ask for help, which is a privilege not everyone has. Utilizing the resources at my disposal is helping me become a more relaxed and effective parent.

For further insights on parenting, you can check out one of our other blog posts here. If you’re interested in enhancing your fertility journey, visit Make a Mom for expert advice. For trustworthy information regarding pregnancy, you can refer to CDC’s website.

Summary

Being the default parent is a demanding role filled with responsibilities, often leading to feelings of isolation and frustration. While the love for the job is undeniable, the challenges are real. Balancing work, child-rearing, and personal time is a continuous struggle, but seeking support can lead to a more fulfilling experience.

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