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When my partner and I faced our first miscarriage, I found myself initially enveloped in support. Many women reached out to share their own experiences of loss, easing my feelings of isolation. Online communities offered solace, reminding me that I was part of a larger group of women grappling with similar grief.
However, my husband had to return to work the very next day, as one HR director callously noted, “bereavement leave is for, like, real people.” Most people focused on my loss, seldom considering how my husband was coping.
While my physical pain was palpable, the emotional toll affected us both deeply. It wasn’t just my dreams that were shattered; my husband’s hopes and expectations were equally impacted.
Fast forward eight years, I experienced another miscarriage, and the response was largely the same. My friends showered me with care packages and calls to check in, but few asked my husband, Mark, how he was managing, except to ensure he wasn’t overwhelmed by my sorrow. The dialogue around miscarriage often neglects the emotional struggles of fathers.
David Johnson’s Perspective
David Johnson, a husband, father of three, and creator of the fatherhood blog, The Dad Files, sought to shine light on how miscarriage affects fathers in his new book, “Men and Miscarriage: A Dad’s Guide to Grief, Relationships, and Healing After Loss.” Along with his wife, Lisa, David adopts a friendly and conversational tone to recount their own experiences with pregnancy loss, abortion, and male-factor infertility, while also interviewing other fathers to provide a broader perspective on coping with grief.
I had the pleasure of chatting with David and Lisa for Home Insemination Kit. We explored their journey and the complicated emotions behind building a family amid so much loss. They are blessed with three wonderful children, yet they also carry the weight of losing five out of eight pregnancies over nearly a decade, including the heart-wrenching decision to terminate a second-trimester pregnancy.
“It really affected me! If I felt this way as an average guy, I knew others must too,” David shares. Recognizing the need for his wife’s involvement, he worked hard to get Lisa on board. “As a cis white guy, I didn’t want to do this without my wife’s input. Miscarriage impacts the birthing partner the most. I’m not trying to monopolize the conversation about miscarriage; I just want to share my story and encourage other non-birthing partners to express their feelings and support their loved ones. This affects them too, and ignoring it can lead to serious repercussions,” David cautions.
Lisa adds, “It was uncomfortable for me, but I felt it was crucial to share our story, especially regarding the abortion.” In “Men and Miscarriage,” they openly discuss David’s struggles with male-factor infertility. “In some ways, that diagnosis was tougher than the miscarriages,” he reveals, recalling how it shattered his sense of masculinity. “I felt utterly lost and ashamed,” he admits, emphasizing that talking about these issues is vital to combat the stigma surrounding male infertility.
Communication Challenges
Throughout their experiences with infertility and pregnancy loss, David and Lisa faced challenges in maintaining open communication. “I needed David to share his feelings honestly with me,” Lisa explains. “It hurt more to read his thoughts online than to hear them from him directly.” David acknowledges this breakdown in communication, recognizing that sharing his feelings directly with Lisa would have been more beneficial than writing for a wider audience.
The couple’s second-trimester abortion was a pivotal moment in David’s healing journey. They had to make the tough decision due to serious congenital anomalies in their baby. Confronted by protestors outside the clinic, David recorded the encounter, which unexpectedly went viral. This experience became a turning point, motivating him to help others facing similar grief and loss.
Insights from Other Fathers
In “Men and Miscarriage,” David and Lisa also interview other fathers to gather diverse perspectives on the emotional turmoil associated with pregnancy loss. They discovered that many men often transition from sadness to anger, feeling powerless in the face of such profound loss.
One contributor, Jake, shared his experience in a support group where men and women met separately before coming together. “While my wife felt a sense of community, we men spent our time diagnosing what went wrong and placing blame rather than sharing our feelings,” he reflected. This highlights a common struggle among men, who often lack the emotional tools to cope with grief.
David and Lisa emphasize that while the book is titled “Men and Miscarriage,” it is not solely for men. “It’s for women whose partners may seem emotionally distant. It offers insight for those wondering if their partner truly cares about the loss,” David explains. They aim to dismantle the stereotypes surrounding masculinity that prevent many men from expressing their grief.
The Johnsons hope that by shedding light on this topic, they can encourage more men to acknowledge their grief, recognizing that losing a child during pregnancy, even if they weren’t the ones carrying it, can lead to profound emotional pain. “Men and Miscarriage” may provide the encouragement many need to confront their feelings.
Additional Resources
For those interested in related topics, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination. You can also explore more about artificial insemination kits that might be beneficial in your journey.
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