Living with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

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I live with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, commonly referred to as CPTSD. In fact, I’ve been diagnosed with multiple mental health conditions, including bipolar II, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADHD. Among these, CPTSD is the most challenging for me, and I often wonder if it has contributed to my other mental health issues. The other conditions are manageable with medication; I take some pills and feel better almost immediately. But CPTSD is different—it lingers and influences every aspect of my life, from my hairstyle to my dietary choices and parenting approach. It is a constant presence.

I’m doing my best to cope. I have access to dedicated professional support, ready to assist me even at 8 a.m. on a Saturday. But the journey of recovery is daunting. It requires hard work and a complete transformation of my life, as I strive to rewrite my personal narrative.

Understanding PTSD and CPTSD

Most people are familiar with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), often linked to soldiers or victims of abductions—those who endure a singular traumatic experience. Symptoms, as noted by Healthline, include flashbacks, avoidance of reminders of the trauma, changes in beliefs and feelings (such as mistrusting others), hyperarousal (being constantly on edge), and physical manifestations like nausea or muscle tension.

CPTSD, on the other hand, arises from repeated traumatic experiences, such as childhood abuse, being in an abusive relationship, or enduring prolonged conflict. In addition to PTSD symptoms, Healthline indicates that CPTSD may involve uncontrollable emotions like anger or sadness, altered consciousness (such as forgetting the trauma), feelings of guilt or shame that create a sense of disconnection from others, difficulties in relationships, and a loss of previously held beliefs about the world.

I experience all of these symptoms.

The Roots of My CPTSD

For me, CPTSD results from a lifetime of neglect by my narcissistic mother, a pattern that began at birth and persisted until I turned forty. You might question how neglect can affect an infant, but my experience began even before I was named. For a week, I was without a name, as my mother was convinced I was going to be a boy and had not prepared for a girl. When she finally chose “Elizabeth,” it was out of spite, reflecting her feelings about my paternal grandmother.

Throughout my childhood, I became the scapegoat for my mother’s insecurities. This is a common dynamic in narcissistic families, where one child is favored while the other is marginalized. My brother, who arrived fourteen months after me, was celebrated for his achievements, while I faced ridicule and neglect. I received harsh criticism for my mistakes and was often told that my lack of friends was my own fault. My struggles with severe depression and anxiety went unaddressed, and while my brother received a new car, I was relegated to a series of unreliable vehicles.

Approaches to Treating CPTSD

Treatment for CPTSD typically involves talk therapy. While some opt for cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to replace negative thought patterns, I am currently engaged in trauma therapy. My therapist employs imaginal exposure, where I discuss my trauma and we explore the beliefs and thoughts that arise from those experiences. For instance, I dealt with anorexia in my teens, and though I’ve made progress, I continue to struggle with disordered eating.

Three years ago, my mother relocated to my state, triggering deeper reflections on my past.

An example of my trauma: during family dinners, my brother and I would be unexpectedly admonished for our laziness and ordered to clean up, despite never having been asked to do so otherwise. This habit has carried over into my current life, where I instinctively begin clearing plates during meals with my in-laws.

My traumas are deeply ingrained, affecting even my preferences and dislikes, which often stem from a desire to gain my mother’s approval. My therapist and I are working on identifying these influences. It’s a challenging process, often hitting me unexpectedly and revealing layers of my experiences.

My Healing Journey

I have chosen to distance myself from my mother, a decision that began with a seemingly trivial incident but turned into a realization of the extent of my trauma.

With my therapist’s guidance, I am learning to make decisions that reflect my own desires. I have changed my hairstyle, experimented with different foods, and am in the process of adopting a new name. Today, I will also discard the old jeans I kept as a measure of my weight, a relic of my past.

Initially, I believed trauma therapy would involve significant breakthroughs. Instead, it has been about recognizing and redefining the small things that have shaped my life. I once disliked the beach simply because my mother did. I disassociated as a child, creating imaginary families, and only recently learned that this is a common coping mechanism among trauma survivors.

I am still uncovering my identity, a process that is both daunting and liberating. I am now exploring music that I genuinely enjoy, like MxPx and The Sex Pistols, rather than what my mother preferred.

I am determined to construct an authentic life for myself. While my trauma will always be part of me, it has also nurtured my compassion and kindness. Sharing my story may resonate with someone else and help them feel less isolated. This realization is invaluable. I wouldn’t erase my trauma, as it is integral to who I am.

I have learned to survive through my experiences, and now I am focused on thriving beyond them.

If you’re interested in related topics, you can check out some of our other blog posts, such as this one. For additional insights about fertility and reproductive health, visit Make a Mom, a trusted resource in this field. Furthermore, for an excellent overview of intrauterine insemination, you can refer to this Healthline article.

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Summary

I navigate life with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which shapes my experiences and choices. While treatment is challenging, I am committed to understanding and reclaiming my identity. My journey involves recognizing the impact of my past while striving to create a fulfilling future.

Keyphrase: complex post-traumatic stress disorder

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