Stop Expecting Your Sex Life to Remain the Same After Kids

Do you recall your sex life before children? The freedom to be intimate whenever and wherever you pleased, without interruptions or the need for secrecy. But then pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting enter the picture, often altering the intimacy between you and your partner. It’s time to normalize the conversation surrounding these changes, so that couples aren’t left feeling disheartened when their sex life shifts after having kids.

I’m not here to provide you with a list of tips to revive your intimacy; rather, I want to have an honest discussion. The truth is, becoming a parent inevitably transforms your sex life. When children arrive, intimacy is often one of the first aspects to be sidelined. This is due to the fact that kids change everything — from your relationship dynamics to your individual identities and lifestyle. It typically takes time for you to find a new rhythm.

Shifting Priorities

The first thing to note is that priorities can shift almost instantly. Suddenly, a tiny human’s needs take precedence over everything else, including your partner’s needs. Children consume your time and energy, leaving little room for self-care. Chores like washing dishes, doing laundry, and catching some sleep often overshadow intimacy.

The Postpartum Experience

For those who give birth, the experience is markedly different from that of their partners. The postpartum body can significantly affect libido. Many women find themselves grappling with changes to their bodies — more stretch marks, softer curves, additional pounds, and a vagina that feels altered. Along with these physical changes, fluctuating hormones from childbirth and breastfeeding can also impact sex drive.

Support and Exhaustion

Additionally, for primary caregivers, the level of support from partners around the house can influence libido. It’s hard to feel romantic when you’re exhausted, staring at a messy kitchen and piles of laundry, not to mention trying to wrangle hyper kids into bed. And let’s not forget the feeling of being “touched out.” If you’ve had no personal space all day, the last thing you want is physical closeness when the day winds down.

Finding Time for Intimacy

Finding time for intimacy can be one of the most significant hurdles. Children can dictate your schedule in ways you didn’t expect. Every moment can feel packed with responsibilities, making sex seem like another task on an already long to-do list. Spontaneity? That’s a rarity now, as it’s almost guaranteed one of your kids will know when you’re trying to sneak in some private time.

Romance often takes a backseat, and the luxury of foreplay can feel like a distant memory. Setting the mood might require more effort than either of you can spare. But while those romantic gestures can help, they often feel impossible to fit into a busy schedule.

Keeping the Flame Alive

However, don’t throw in the towel just yet. If you want your relationship to thrive, it’s essential to keep the flame alive, whether that means sex or simply maintaining intimacy in other forms. Adjusting your expectations and embracing creativity is crucial. Sex after kids can still be exciting, but it requires a bit more work.

Accept that your sex life will fluctuate — even beyond the postpartum healing phase. You can’t just wait six weeks and expect everything to return to normal. As parents, you’ll navigate challenges like interruptions, scheduling conflicts, mismatched libidos, and sheer fatigue. By anticipating these changes, you may find it easier to cope when they arise.

Creative Solutions

Consider installing locks, sending the kids to another room, or finding alternative locations for intimacy. Send flirty texts during the day, read romance novels, and seize opportunities whenever they arise. You might even find planning for sex becomes necessary. Even as your children grow, you’ll probably continue to find yourselves sneaking around to maintain your intimacy.

Prioritize Your Relationship

In short, prioritize your sex life. Just as you wouldn’t leave your kids to fend for themselves, don’t neglect your intimate relationship. While it may require extra creativity and effort, the rewards are well worth it.

For more insights on navigating intimacy and parenting, check out this blog post. Additionally, if you’re interested in understanding more about home insemination, Make a Mom offers excellent resources.

For information on intrauterine insemination, NHS provides a comprehensive guide.

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Summary:

Having children can drastically change your sex life, leading to shifts in priorities, energy levels, and intimacy. While it may seem challenging to maintain a romantic connection, open communication and creativity can help couples navigate this new landscape. Accepting that your sex life will ebb and flow will prepare you for the changes that come with parenting.

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