If Your Children Don’t Spend Time with Their Grandparents, You Should Read This

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Growing up, I faced challenges with my father, who struggled with bipolar disorder and turned to opioids to cope with his pain. As a child, I lived in constant fear, not understanding the depth of his struggles. Now, with time and perspective, I feel compassion for his battles. However, even if he were still here today, I wouldn’t feel secure leaving my kids alone with him.

Did he face his own demons? Absolutely. Did he wish to have bipolar disorder and an addiction? I wholeheartedly believe he did not. Unfortunately, he lacked control over his illness and addiction, which makes me uncomfortable allowing my children to be in his presence, even for a moment.

If you have a toxic grandparent (or other family member) in your life, remember that you’re not preventing your children from having a relationship; rather, it’s the choices of that toxic individual that keep them apart. This decision belongs to them, not you. You’re simply enforcing what is safe for your family. We often understand this, yet when it comes to our children and their grandparents, we find ourselves tangled in mental gymnastics: what’s best for our child? Is it fair to assume the grandparent will treat them like they did in the past? Perhaps they’ve changed? We worry about projecting our negative experiences onto our kids and want them to form their own relationships. These concerns are valid.

As parents, we genuinely desire the best for our children. We want them to be enveloped in love and surrounded by those who foster their growth and security. We don’t want to block access to anyone, even those who failed us (like our parents or in-laws). We also aim to avoid projecting our feelings onto our children, wanting to heal from our own issues without burdening them.

This leads to the mental gymnastics. We flip back and forth, exploring various scenarios. However, the reality is that the game itself is flawed. It makes us feel like we are either denying our child a loving relationship or granting them access to it. In truth, we’re dealing with parents or in-laws who have hurt us and have not sought healing.

These relatives often refuse to acknowledge our experiences. They may manipulate our words, use our children against us, or even put us in danger. They belittle us, creating an atmosphere of tension and mistrust. They disregard our boundaries, insisting that “I am your parent” or “You can’t keep me from my grandchild.” While the grandparent may be facing their own trauma, they still have the choice to seek growth and health.

Navigating these complicated relationships can be tough. When discussing these issues with friends, you might hear comments like “Is your father-in-law really that bad?” or “Is it worth keeping your child away from a grandparent who wants to love them?” Trying to explain toxic relationships can be incredibly frustrating. Remember, you don’t owe anyone an explanation about your feelings. Take a moment to breathe and remind yourself: you’re not keeping your child away from their grandparent; it’s that grandparent’s choices that create this distance.

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Summary:

This article discusses the complexities of allowing children to interact with toxic grandparents. It emphasizes that it’s the choices of the grandparents that create distance, not the parents’ desire to protect their children. Parents are encouraged to prioritize their children’s safety and well-being while navigating these difficult relationships.

Keyphrase: toxic grandparents and parenting
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