They Say Parenting Gets Easier, But That’s Not Quite Right — We Just Improve at It

pregnant woman in yellow flower dress holding her belly

It’s December 2015, and my world has transformed completely. Our tiny, four-and-a-half-pound premature baby wiggles in her makeshift nursery, a breakfast nook in our new apartment, surrounded by boxes that remain unpacked. Every sound she makes, every little grimace, sends my anxiety through the roof. I worry for her, for myself, and I fear I’ll never connect with other parents. I find myself mourning the life my partner and I had before parenthood, where everything shifted in a heartbeat.

“Don’t stress,” say the collective mothers – the ones on social media, my friends’ moms, and older women from work. “It gets easier, I assure you.”

Fast forward to March 2019, and in another heartbeat, everything changes again. Although we experience more joy and less stress this time, our new addition still requires adjustment. We try to compensate for our older daughter’s feelings, attempting to maintain her routine. The dynamics of our household have shifted, and she wonders why our bedtime routine has changed. She asks when her sister will start recognizing her. I often find myself in a never-ending cycle of washing bibs.

But the collective mothers continue to reassure us: “Two is more challenging than one, but it will get easier.” By now, my support network includes actual friends who are mothers, people I can share a laugh with in the preschool parking lot when I forget how to secure an infant in a car seat.

In some aspects, life has indeed become easier. I sleep uninterrupted now. We’ve moved into a house with actual bedrooms, and we have a community to rely on. We’ve established routines, schedules, childcare, and even moments to shower. Date nights and long weekends have returned. Our children share a bond that is heartwarming, and I can express love without being consumed by worry.

I’ve even found myself giving comforting words to new mothers. Just last weekend, I spoke to a weary young woman at a beer garden, her newborn peacefully asleep beside her. She looked at my girls, and it was clear she wanted to connect. After sharing the ages of my daughters, she eagerly recounted her 14-week-old’s sleep patterns—oh, I completely understand. Before I knew it, the words slipped out: “It gets easier, I promise.” I felt the urge to lift her from the chaos of new motherhood, assuring her she would soon feel like herself again.

Yet, in many ways, that promise rings hollow. As my daughters, especially my soon-to-be kindergartener, grow older, I realize that the challenges of potty training and sleep regressions were simple compared to the new realities we face. Our hurdles now are not just physical but also logistical, intellectual, and emotional.

One of the biggest challenges is navigating her interests—she has them, which is great, but I need to be more attentive to help her explore them. Most activities for her age clash with my work schedule, forcing us to make tough choices. Some of her interests involve learned skills like tennis and dance, which require practice and confidence, even when she falters and feels discouraged. While not all her confidence will come from me, some of it certainly will. The same applies to her education. While I might rush through our bedtime routine after finishing work, I know that reading this particular book will benefit her, so I take the time for it. It would be naive to think my role can be replaced; she needs my involvement now more than ever.

Her personality is evolving too—she’s testing boundaries. This summer at day camp, she moved up to a larger group of girls with teenage counselors. At times, she can be quite rude and defiant. She looks me straight in the eye and does the opposite of what I’ve asked. I recognize she’s just trying to establish her boundaries, likely feeling overwhelmed, but I struggle with this side of her. We’ve had to rethink what consequences look like, and it’s not always clear what the right approach is.

As much as I want to discipline her, I also see her mirroring my own traits. She’s anxious—I notice it in her. She strives for perfection and is hard on herself when things go awry. She’s a deep thinker, often posing questions that are far beyond her years. She craves attention while also wanting to retreat from it. These aren’t learned behaviors; they’re simply part of who she is.

Most complex of all, she’s observing me—constantly. She watches how I respond to situations and the words I use. The way my partner and I communicate with each other weighs heavily on my mind. My daughters are likely to model themselves after me, or they may not. Regardless, the responsibility feels more significant now; I need to set a positive example. I strive to be more generous and kind, aiming to be a better version of myself for them.

Sooner than I realize, my daughter, Hazel, will transition into her tween and teen years. She’ll learn to meet her own needs, but her challenges may grow beyond simply disliking our frozen meatballs for dinner. Even if I continue imparting lessons, my control will wane. I will have to trust that she will make the right choices when faced with tough decisions. The thought of holding my breath through her trials feels more daunting than what I face now.

During the early years with my daughters, I noticed a pattern: just when I felt I couldn’t bear the challenges any longer, they would suddenly ease. Then just as we’d start to feel settled, life would throw another curveball.

It gets harder again.

Let’s stop telling new mothers that it gets easier. This isn’t a fair promise for the most challenging job in the world. We simply become better prepared for the changes.

For more insights, check out this related post on handling the challenges of parenthood here.

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Summary:

Parenthood is a journey filled with challenges that don’t necessarily get easier but rather evolve as children grow. As parents adapt to new dynamics, they learn to navigate logistical, emotional, and intellectual hurdles. The responsibilities shift, and the need for parental presence becomes even more critical as children develop their own identities. It’s essential to acknowledge that while parenting does not become easier, we grow more equipped to handle the changes.

Keyphrase: Parenthood challenges evolve

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