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If you were to consult evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar, he would tell you that friendship can be measured. Dunbar, the author of Friends: Understanding the Power of Our Most Important Relationships (set to be released in the U.S. in January), introduced the concept known as “Dunbar’s Number,” which fundamentally refers to the number of relationships an individual can maintain effectively. He proposes that this number hovers around 150 on average.
However, “Dunbar’s Number” isn’t just a straightforward statistic; it’s a nuanced idea. Dunbar illustrates relationships as layers of concentric circles, similar to a dartboard. At the center, you find your most intimate relationships, likely including your romantic partner. The next layer contains about five people (including that inner circle member) who would “drop everything” to support you during difficult times. As you move outward, the number of individuals increases while the degree of intimacy decreases, with the outermost layer—including around 150 people—comprising those who would attend significant life events like weddings and funerals.
It’s easy to see that the innermost circles accommodate only a tiny fraction of that 150. Cultivating and maintaining close friendships requires time and dedication, which can fluctuate throughout different periods of our lives. When we have less time, those closest to us may drift away to the periphery (perhaps even to a group of just 50 for casual gatherings).
Life naturally leads to shifts in our close friendships; new connections can replace old ones. For instance, a new colleague who appreciates your sense of humor might take precedence over an acquaintance with whom you share less common ground.
But can we really keep everyone in our inner circle? Dunbar asserts that if the inner circle can only accommodate a certain number (five, in this case), then that’s the limit. Think of it like a tiny clown car: it can only fit a finite number of clowns; squeezing in more means someone has to go.
Dunbar’s Number indicates that while we can have many acquaintances, we can only nurture a limited number of deeply meaningful relationships. This perspective is enlightening, especially when considering that everyone else also operates with their own version of Dunbar’s Number.
Consider this example:
In fourth grade, I once had a disastrous moment that led to being uninvited from a party. The next day, my friend Jenna suddenly claimed she could only invite three girls instead of four, resulting in my abrupt ejection from her close friend group.
Fast forward to senior year: I was ghosted by my best friend, Lisa, who bluntly told me I “wasn’t cool enough” while I was trying to confront her at a party. That rejection pushed me out of her inner circle, landing me among acquaintances she hardly noticed in class.
At 28, I traveled to Spain for six months, only to return home and find that my two roommates preferred the subletter I had chosen over me. Ouch.
It’s crucial to recognize that your closest relationships must align with others’ priorities as well. My intimate circles didn’t mesh with Jenna’s, Lisa’s, or my former roommates’. As with friendships, you can only hold onto so many grudges.
Conversely, I’ve often refrained from building relationships with overly eager acquaintances, believing I had enough friends already. I once thought this was somewhat inconsiderate, but now I realize it’s more about safeguarding my established connections. Dunbar’s Number highlights the necessity of being realistic about the naturally changing tides of friendship.
Your social circle may not always be full, and your clown car might have more empty seats than you’d like. We sometimes try to force new connections into our established circles, but ultimately, we can only welcome those who are genuinely willing to join us on this journey.
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