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Before I became a parent 15 years ago, I envisioned myself as the epitome of a love-filled, patient mother, always ready to provide thoughtful answers to my child’s endless inquiries. The parenting books and magazines I devoured—back in the days before “Google” became a household term—emphasized the importance of addressing every “why” question from our kids. The consensus was clear: failing to answer their questions could stifle their natural curiosity and, quite dramatically, crush their spirits until they were reduced to mere shadows of their former selves.
I knew it would be tiring to respond to countless questions every day, but hey, I wanted to be a mom, right? So I thought I would be the kind of parent who would always take the time to explain every household rule and brainstorm answers together for the questions I couldn’t immediately address. I promised myself I would never resort to the dreaded “because I said so.”
Fast forward to now, and I’ve found myself, on occasion, shutting down my 15-year-old son’s inquiries. He’s a fantastic kid, and I cherish my role as his mother—I would do anything for him, no doubt about it. But lately, he has been using his “why” questions as a tactic to wear me down when I’ve already said no. The parenting literature didn’t prepare me for the teenage phase, where that innocent curiosity transforms into a negotiation tactic.
For instance, just the other day, he asked, “WHYYYY can’t I be on the computer all day?” during a time when both he and his 11-year-old sister are supposed to be screen-free. I’ve explained the reasoning behind this rule—too much screen time is detrimental to mental health, our brains thrive on varied stimulation, and it’s not great for the eyes. But he persisted with “why” after “why,” as if he genuinely wanted to understand the implications of excessive screen time.
It quickly became clear that this wasn’t a curious child seeking knowledge but rather a teenager trying to push against the boundaries I set. After a few rounds of his questioning, I suggested he could look up the research on his own, but he’d have to wait until screen time resumed to do that. The groan that followed told me he was done for the moment.
As a parent, you usually feel like you’re a team with your child, navigating the ups and downs of life together. But sometimes, it feels like a boxing match, where one of you has to come out on top. I won that round, and though it might seem petty, I was determined to show him that I wouldn’t be manipulated.
My pre-parent self had noble intentions, vowing to be the ever-patient answerer of my kids’ questions. I genuinely strive to help them understand the reasoning behind my rules, knowing that my choices aim for their overall well-being—health, happiness, safety, and success. They recognize that my guidelines aren’t arbitrary, and I aim to be authoritative, not authoritarian.
However, I’ve come to realize that kids aren’t always the innocent seekers of knowledge we imagine them to be. Sometimes, they can be clever teenagers trying to exploit our gentler parenting methods for their own gain. Kids are naturally curious, but this curiosity often morphs into boundary-testing as they figure out who’s really in charge. It’s a normal part of growing up, not a sign of future sociopathy.
So, while my pre-parent ideals were well-meaning, the reality of parenting is anything but straightforward. No rule is set in stone, and children will always find ways to catch you off guard. Sometimes, you just have to find a way to outsmart them right back.
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Summary
Parenting is filled with unexpected challenges, especially when it comes to answering a teenager’s probing questions. What starts as innocent curiosity can quickly turn into a negotiation tactic, as kids test boundaries to see how much they can push. It’s essential to strike a balance between providing guidance and maintaining authority, recognizing that parenting isn’t as black-and-white as one might hope.
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