Facing IVF Again: My Fears and Hopes

When I’m out with my twin toddlers, I often hear remarks like “You’ve got your hands full!” or “Double trouble!” What many don’t realize is the journey of fertility treatments, including IVF, that brought my two little miracles into the world. Motherhood is a treasure I deeply appreciate, as it wasn’t an easy path for me.

Infertility has gifted me a new perspective, for which I’m eternally thankful. But even with the joys of being a mom, my infertility remains a part of my story. As my twins approach two and a half, I’m increasingly asked, “Are you planning for a third child?” While I typically respond with a smile, the truth is that the idea of going through this process again terrifies me. Now, I know exactly what lies ahead.

Recently, my partner and I visited a new fertility clinic to start our journey toward baby number three. We met with our Reproductive Endocrinologist, and I underwent some preliminary blood tests. On that day, I felt like a pro, ready to tackle whatever came our way since I already have two healthy children. It was just a frozen embryo transfer—how hard could that be?

Fortunately, we still have nine frozen embryos from our initial IVF cycle. The next step involved transporting those embryos from our previous clinic to the new one. After completing consent forms, we picked up the embryos in a cryopreservation tank and drove them to their new location. Sitting in the passenger seat with the potential future child(ren) between my legs, I felt overwhelmed with emotion. It struck me how this is something that those who conceive naturally never have to think about. Infertility doesn’t necessarily get easier the second time; rather, you just become more resilient.

Having had three years to come to terms with my infertility diagnosis and the accompanying challenges, I still find it painful. After delivering our embryos, I scrolled through Instagram and saw a pregnancy announcement from someone I know. It was her third pregnancy in four years. While I’m genuinely happy for her, it made me realize that a “surprise” third pregnancy is something I may never experience. This feeling of sadness caught me off guard, as I hadn’t felt that way in a while.

I’ve always wanted three children. My husband and I both come from families of three, and we cherish our relationships with our siblings. We’re excited about the possibility of welcoming a third child, but as we embark on this journey once more, we’re cautious. We understand the harsh realities: IVF doesn’t guarantee success, one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and the emotional toll of fertility treatments can be heavy. Plus, there’s the uncertainty surrounding our remaining embryos and their viability. We chose not to genetically test them during our first IVF cycle due to cost, and while we were both young at the time, we know some embryos might be chromosomally abnormal, leading to complications. After discussing with our doctor, we’ve decided not to pursue genetic testing this time, hoping that luck will be on our side.

I’m uncertain when we will feel ready to proceed with the transfer again. Right now, the thought of trying again feels daunting. Nevertheless, I’m incredibly grateful to have nine more opportunities to grow our family and feel blessed to have two healthy kids at home. Infertility has taught me that it’s possible to feel sadness, gratitude, and fear simultaneously. We can celebrate others’ successes while mourning our own challenges. It’s entirely possible to desire a third child while being apprehensive about the IVF journey ahead. Those emotions coexist in the human experience.

For 1 in 8 couples in the U.S., considering whether, when, and how to expand their families involves countless factors. For us, the path to another baby is not as straightforward as conceiving naturally. It’s a blend of grief and hope, acceptance and anger, joy and fear. It encompasses negative pregnancy tests, medication regimens, ultrasound visits, and the emotional rollercoaster that comes with it all. Infertility is an experience filled with every emotion imaginable, and it’s about picking ourselves up repeatedly because our desire to be parents never wanes.

I’m not sure how our journey will unfold, but I know that regardless of the outcome, we will be okay. For more insights into topics like this, check out this blog post. If you’re looking for additional resources on fertility, Fertility Booster for Men is a great option. And for an excellent guide on pregnancy, visit March of Dimes.

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