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As restrictions ease, my older children are off to summer camps, playing sports without masks, and enjoying playdates once again. I’m vaccinated and can shop for groceries without anxiety, stroll through Target with a coffee in hand, and even attend spin classes. Thankfully, I didn’t lose anyone to COVID; instead, I gained my fourth child.
I discovered I was expecting a beautiful baby girl just two weeks before the lockdown began. For thirty-eight weeks, I held my breath, kept my family isolated, went to prenatal appointments alone, and even labored while wearing a mask. I succeeded! My family remained COVID-free, my baby was born without complications, and we’ve stayed healthy. Now that life is getting back to normal, I can’t shake this feeling of unease.
It’s as if there’s an emotional tidal wave inside me that I suppress by keeping busy—juggling daily motherhood tasks and cherishing moments with my children. Yet, in the midst of simple activities like unwrapping string cheese, memories flood back to last spring when I was home alone with three kids, battling debilitating nausea, managing remote school, and feeling isolated from family and friends. I vividly recall attending my anatomy scan the day after the CDC reported that pregnant women faced increased COVID risks; it felt overwhelming to balance my fears while ensuring my family’s safety.
The burden of making decisions for my growing family during such a chaotic time weighed heavily on me. Carrying my unborn child as the world faced a crisis made every choice feel monumental. When those feelings rise to the surface, I redirect my focus to the mundane task of string cheese—completing it and moving on, because confronting my fears and sadness feels daunting right now.
Social situations feel odd, but I realize I’m not alone in that experience. While I’m grateful to host gatherings and attend events, I sometimes feel overwhelmed. There are moments when I want to gather my four kids and retreat indoors. I’m uncertain what triggers these feelings, but I’m working through them for the sake of my children.
I find myself clinging tightly to my now eight-month-old daughter, whom I affectionately call my emotional support baby. She’s always close to me, and I’m only comfortable leaving her with my partner, unlike my other children whom I can leave with family or friends. I worked incredibly hard to keep her safe for so long, and letting go feels foreign. I struggle to trust that anyone else can protect her as I did, but I’m on this journey of learning.
There’s a unique bond with a baby who was conceived during a global pandemic, and that experience has changed me. Someday, I hope to process all these emotional waves, or perhaps they will gradually dissipate. For now, I acknowledge that I feel a bit off balance. It’s okay to be not fully okay right now. I embrace this moment, and I encourage you to do the same—because, truly, it was a challenging time, and moving forward isn’t easy.
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Summary:
The author reflects on the experience of giving birth during the pandemic, the resulting anxiety, and the challenges of letting go of her newborn after working so hard to keep her safe. As life begins to return to normal, she navigates complex emotions and seeks to find her balance.
Keyphrase: Baby born during pandemic
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