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I recently filled out paperwork for upcoming meetings with a loan officer and financial advisor. Honestly, I’m not optimistic about my chances of buying a house in this outrageous market. I don’t have a fortune in cash, and I certainly don’t want to skip an inspection only to discover mold, pests, or worse in the basement. Regardless, I need to explore my options. As we gradually emerge from the pandemic’s most challenging phase, I’m starting to search for my own home—again. Technically, I’m a renter, but my landlord is my ex-partner, and I’ve been residing in the spare room for over two years in the house we purchased together for our three kids. Yes, I’m still living with my ex, but thankfully, we’ve managed to make it work.
It’s been nearly three years since my marriage began to fall apart. I was the one who expressed my concerns, initiating the divorce process, but I don’t hold either of us responsible for the drastic changes that altered our future plans. I don’t view my marriage as a failure; it was filled with love, cherished memories, and three wonderful children from nearly two decades together. Ending my marriage didn’t erase those truths, but it did require us to reshape our reality. We had to rediscover each other with new expectations and navigate through raw emotions. My ex and I needed to sort out finances, co-parenting, and new relationships while still living under the same roof.
Initially, this arrangement was purely financial. As the primary stay-at-home parent, my earning potential was just beginning to rise when our kids started full-time school. Moving out wasn’t feasible for me, and she couldn’t manage the house alone. We accepted our situation and committed to creating a shared environment that was as tension-free as possible, ensuring our children had a safe and happy home. Our kids understood the circumstances as best as six- and eight-year-olds could and knew I would move out when the right place became available. We continued to move forward while disentangling our lives and establishing a new normal.
Now, the kids point out houses they hope I’ll buy and are excited about decorating another room. They witness their parents’ respectful separation while recognizing that some things will remain unchanged—particularly our love for them and our commitment to attending their sports events, parent-teacher conferences, doctor visits, and holidays together. Although we have new routines, our presence in their lives has never diminished. They also look forward to vacations with my long-distance partner and her children, knowing their other parent is just as excited about these new connections.
My ex has met my new partner and is supportive of her role in our lives. Likewise, I encourage her dating endeavors. We want the best for each other and our children. It took time to balance our new relationships, but we were dedicated to being effective co-parents, leading with good intentions even when it got tough. Our mediator, whom my ex recommended, played a crucial role in helping us navigate custody arrangements and was invaluable as a life coach. Just as we thought we were approaching closure, the COVID-19 pandemic forced us to reevaluate everything.
Being confined to a house with your ex during a pandemic, while juggling three kids, their schooling, and two full-time jobs, sounds like a nightmare. Yet, we chose to make it work. Respect and friendship provided a solid foundation, and we adopted an “us vs. them” mentality when it came to parenting. While there were ugly moments, it was never toxic or abusive. Surprisingly, this experience turned out to be a blessing—it helped mend some of the rifts in our friendship and alleviated lingering resentments. Living together again, after knowing each other since I was 18, forced us to grow up together in a new way. We gained independence and learned to redefine our roles without feeling entirely alone while figuring everything out.
Though we’ve benefited from cohabiting post-separation, we’re ready for me to find my own space. We don’t harbor any dislike toward each other, and while living apart may complicate certain situations, we are eager to move on. I’m uncertain when I’ll finally be able to move out, but my ex will accompany me to the meeting with the loan officer next week. I’ll lead the conversation, but I asked her to be there as a supportive friend who can ask questions I might overlook. When the time comes, she and our children will join me in house-hunting.
I recognize how fortunate we are to have navigated divorce and co-parenting in a healthy manner for ourselves and our kids. Our situation is unique, but it’s been ideal compared to many alternatives. I’m grateful to have married and subsequently divorced someone who remains a friend.
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In summary, cohabiting with an ex-partner post-divorce can be challenging yet rewarding. By fostering respect and friendship, it’s possible to create a stable environment for children while navigating new relationships and personal growth. While preparing for the next chapter, the importance of communication and shared goals remains crucial.
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