Four Alternatives to Staring at My Child and His Wheelchair

Parenting

By Jamie Collins
Date: July 1, 2023

Let’s take a moment to discuss staring. My son, Lucas, has experienced a lot of attention ever since his diagnosis five years ago. Bringing him home from the hospital with a noticeable scar and challenges in mobility, I was reminded that he doesn’t look like every other kid. During the pandemic, when outings were limited, I forgot about the gazes until we started venturing out again.

I genuinely believe most people don’t stare out of malice. Their curiosity, concern, and pity often drive their looks. I try to remain positive, smiling to shield both myself and Lucas from any hurt feelings.

Children, of course, tend to stare at everyone. They’re often just trying to figure out if Lucas can join in their playtime, and that’s fantastic. But sometimes the stares get a bit intense.

Recently, while at the grocery store, I was juggling bags and pushing Lucas’s wheelchair when a girl around twelve years old caught my eye. She was staring at Lucas with a look of sorrow. I smiled, and she declared, “I love special needs.”

For a moment, I was taken aback. How did she know Lucas had special needs? I glanced at him: flushed cheeks, mismatched eye movements, one arm reaching for items while the other rested in his lap, and of course, the wheelchair. After a brief pause, I awkwardly replied, “Um… thank you?”

In hindsight, I thought of a clever comeback: “You should get one!” which I found amusing later. Humor helps navigate awkward situations, and I often find myself making jokes to ease the tension.

While I understand the girl’s intention was supportive, her phrasing felt off, akin to someone saying they love a particular breed of dog.

As time goes on, I’m learning more about what it means for Lucas to be part of a community that many find hard to connect with. A friend of mine recently pointed out that sometimes people feel more comfortable greeting her dog than her daughter. I wanted to argue, but she was right. It’s an awkward social dynamic.

When strangers realize Lucas’s wheelchair isn’t due to laziness, I can often see the moment they hesitate, unsure of how to proceed. Most choose to smile and move along, which is perfectly fine, while some realize they’re staring and quickly shift their gaze to me.

So, what can well-meaning folks do instead of staring? Here are my thoughts:

Smile and Say “Hi”: A simple greeting or wave can make a world of difference. If you’re masked, thank you for protecting my child!
Read the Room: If you’re genuinely curious and it seems appropriate, feel free to ask questions. However, if it’s a busy moment, it’s okay to keep quiet.
Choose Your Words Wisely: If you want to acknowledge the challenges, remember you’re addressing a person. Compliments that don’t focus on disability—like “He’s adorable”—can be refreshing.
Try Not to Stare: If you do catch yourself staring and I notice, I might just crack a bad joke to lighten the mood.

Look, Lucas is absolutely charming, and it’s easy to see why people are drawn to him. I understand that the wide-eyed looks and awkward comments are part of human nature, but let’s bring the awkwardness into the open and laugh it out. Lucas isn’t staying home, so next time you see him out and about, how about giving him a high five?

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Summary:

This article discusses the nuances of staring at children with disabilities, particularly focusing on the author’s son, Lucas. It emphasizes the importance of kindness and understanding in social interactions, offering constructive alternatives to staring. The author encourages genuine engagement, such as smiles and greetings, while also promoting empathy and awareness regarding disabilities.

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