I Was Suppressing My Kids’ Personalities With My Neat-Freak Tendencies

My home feels like it has two distinct halves. In certain areas, my obsessive tendencies take center stage, where everything must be meticulously arranged. This includes the living room, the downstairs bathroom, the kitchen, and my own bedroom and bathroom. However, the other half consists of my kids’ rooms and their bathroom.

A few years back, I came to the realization that I was stifling my children’s unique personalities by trying to control how their spaces looked. In the process, I was driving myself to the brink of exhaustion.

For my children, maintaining a spotless environment isn’t a priority. The more I tried to enforce my standards on them, the more conflict arose, making me understand how trivial it all really was. Currently, my son has taken it upon himself to start a mini-forest in his room, nurturing everything from strawberry seeds to avocado pits, and transplanting acorns from our yard. This means we’ve got pots strewn about, bags of soil in the garage, and always something drying out on my windowsill.

Meanwhile, my daughter has two pet ducks, and let me tell you, the mess they create is real! Their droppings are about the size of golf balls, and they seem to prefer my front porch as their hangout spot. They shed feathers everywhere and require a constant supply of water, which results in a kiddie pool that’s always full in the yard or on the back deck. They splash water everywhere, and it’s no exaggeration to say that it’s a ten-yard radius.

My oldest son loves tinkering with his truck and four-wheeler, which results in tools scattered throughout the garage, dirty rags everywhere, and car parts taking up space that should be reserved for parking.

As a neat-freak mom, all of this drives me absolutely bonkers. I struggle to concentrate in a messy environment; it makes me anxious and physically uncomfortable. However, none of my kids seem to have inherited my need for order. They don’t mind leaving their belongings out in the open—be it dirty clothes or their latest slime project. My daughter enjoys having her makeup spread across her vanity, while they all feel it’s perfectly fine to keep their bathroom essentials out in the open.

I did have to set some boundaries when it came to the hair she cut off and taped to her door; I think she did that just to test my limits. But I also recognize the importance of allowing my kids to express themselves, have autonomy, and not feel like they’re tiptoeing around their own rooms.

Just the other day, I pulled into the driveway and spotted my son transplanting trees from his room into our backyard. He was watering some cardboard he had been hoarding, breaking it into pieces for his garden. Sure, I don’t love that his carpet is perpetually sprinkled with potting soil, but he’s growing remarkable plants there.

Watching him work outside made all my anxieties worth it. My daughter’s ducks have brought her so much happiness. Spending time with them has helped her cope with anxiety during COVID. She’s taken full responsibility for them, and I never have to remind her to clean their space. They’ve given her a sense of responsibility and confidence, even teaching her how to manage their mess on the front porch.

I admire my son’s mechanical skills. I wish he’d put his tools and oil-soaked rags away, but when something’s wrong with our lawn mower or snow blower, he usually knows how to fix it.

I also know that soon enough, I won’t have to deal with their messy rooms. I won’t come home to my son working on his truck or my youngest planting who-knows-what in the yard. My daughter’s makeup won’t be scattered everywhere, and I’ll finally have the chance to redecorate their rooms to my liking.

Just thinking about that makes me feel queasy—more so than the mess itself—because it means they won’t be living here anymore, and it will feel like a piece of me is missing.

So, I’ve decided to keep quiet and allow myself to embrace the anxious feeling that washes over me when I see dirt trails or duck food scattered about. I want my kids to discover their passions, and that means I need to relax my standards for how my house looks. Their hobbies and interests are far more valuable than having tidy surfaces.

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In summary, while my neat-freak tendencies clash with my children’s free-spirited nature, I recognize the importance of allowing them to express themselves. Balancing my need for order with their enjoyment and growth is essential for fostering their individuality.

Keyphrase: kids’ self-expression in messy environments

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