artificial insemination syringe
I’ve sported a messy bun for as long as I can remember. I genuinely like the way it looks, but more than that, there’s nothing quite like coming home, taking off my bra, and throwing my hair up.
A few months into my new relationship, I discovered that my boyfriend wasn’t a fan of the messy bun. He didn’t outright say it, but while we were watching a show, I mentioned that I thought the main character looked better with her hair up and no makeup on than with a full face of makeup and styled hair. He agreed about the makeup but casually noted that he wasn’t really into buns. His comment didn’t change anything for me; he still sees me in my bun all the time. I didn’t even ask if he liked it on me because, while I care for him, I simply don’t care what he thinks. I like my messy bun, and that’s enough.
I also get Botox and fillers. This is something I started doing after we began dating, and it makes me incredibly happy. He’s made comments like, “Why do you do that? You’re so beautiful without it,” which is sweet, but honestly, my boyfriend needs glasses. His eyesight isn’t the best, and he often squints at his phone. More often than not, he leaves his reading glasses in the car, and I have to read menus for him.
The point is, it’s my body and my face. If I want to do something with it, I will, regardless of his opinions. He knows this about me and doesn’t say anything when I wear my hair in a bun or when he sees the bruises from my injections that help me feel like a better version of myself.
I’ve heard stories from friends whose partners have argued with them about their appearance or clothing choices. Some have experienced spouses who refuse to speak to them after they get lip fillers, claiming they’ve “ruined themselves.” Others have undergone significant surgeries, like mommy makeovers, solely to please their husbands.
My sister once dated a guy who wanted her to dress a certain way and even to grow out her armpit hair, which she didn’t want to do, but she did it for him. A friend from high school in New York City mentioned men who schedule all sorts of procedures for their wives after they have kids.
No. Being in a relationship doesn’t strip away your autonomy. I’ve never understood women who keep long hair because their partners dislike short styles. I distinctly remember my father telling my mother this when they were married. Once they divorced, she cut her hair. I also recall him giving me a hard time when I wanted to chop my hair off in junior high. I was literally not allowed to have the hairstyle I wanted, which ignited a fire in me to grow up and do whatever I wanted with my body.
We are individuals. We should wear what we wish, dye our hair any color we choose, and toss aside the razors if that’s our preference. A partner who tries to control what you eat, how often you work out, or even schedules a mommy makeover for you needs to go. The problem lies with them, not you.
We know what feels right for us. If you want to undergo a procedure, change your diet, or have your body hair removed, that’s fantastic—but it should only be to please one person: yourself.
I don’t dictate what my boyfriend wears. He doesn’t exercise as much as I do and feels self-conscious about his belly, which I happen to love. He’s not a fan of beards or scruff, which I find attractive. But I have no desire to change him or strip away the things that make him who he is.
If you’re with someone who wants to control your appearance and scrutinize your outfits, it’s time to move on. Not only is it exhausting to be with someone like that—making you feel as though you’re constantly walking on eggshells—but you’re also not being true to your style. There are plenty of people out there who will love you for who you are, and we need you to embrace that.
Wear what you want, eat what you desire, and groom yourself however you see fit. Always be true to yourself and don’t conform to someone else’s unrealistic standards. No matter how hard you try, people with such attitudes will never be satisfied—and you’re better off without them.
For more insights, check out this related blog post that discusses personal autonomy in relationships. Also, if you’re considering options related to home insemination, Make a Mom is a great authority on the subject. For a deeper understanding of pregnancy and home insemination, this Wikipedia article is an excellent resource.