For the First Time in My Life, I’m Exercising NOT to Lose Weight

For most of my life, my motivation to exercise revolved around a singular goal: to make myself smaller. Despite understanding the myriad benefits of physical activity for overall health, strength, and longevity, my primary focus remained on shrinking my body. Even when I recognized the mental health advantages of exercise, the aim was still to reduce my size. All the positive outcomes—feeling energized, strong, and mentally balanced—felt like mere bonuses compared to my obsession with that number on the scale.

However, about a year and a half ago, I decided to stop exercising altogether. I had recently come out as gay, navigating the complexities of divorce and the emotional turmoil that ensued. Rebuilding a life vastly different from what I had known took every ounce of my mental and physical strength. My priorities shifted to ensuring my children were well and achieving financial stability. During this time, I slipped into a low-grade depression, different from what I had experienced while hiding my true self.

Throughout 2020, I found myself binge-eating and barely moving, aside from an occasional walk. I promised myself I would “get back on the wagon” but struggled to follow through. I watched my body change, feeling as though I had failed, as my clothes no longer fit.

I engaged in harmful mental games, attempting to convince myself to despise my body enough to motivate me to exercise. My thoughts about fitness were still tangled with the desire to be smaller. I felt ashamed of these feelings, which were both unhealthy and hypocritical. I advocate for body positivity—every body is a beach body, every body is a bikini body. Yet, the thoughts I harbored about myself were cruel. I would never dare to speak or even think such things about others.

Then, three months ago, I started taking antidepressants. A few weeks into my low-dose SSRI regimen, I began to feel a subtle urge to move. I envisioned myself using my small weights, doing push-ups, and sweating while enjoying music with a strong beat. Strangely, this desire to exercise wasn’t driven by a need to be thinner; it felt like fun.

It was a refreshing realization, akin to remembering something I had forgotten for years. I started looking forward to exercising again, a feeling I hadn’t experienced in ages. For most of my life, “exercise” was synonymous with “diet” or “weight loss,” and I couldn’t separate the two. I wouldn’t work out without also monitoring my calorie intake.

Now, however, after enduring so much over the past few years, my relationship with exercise has transformed. I may weigh more than ever, but I’m no longer exercising to shrink myself.

I am tired of hating myself over something as trivial as my body’s shape. After years of disordered eating and obsessing over my size, I’m finally viewing exercise as it should be: a way to feel good, both physically and mentally. I created a small workout space in my garage, complete with weights, a kettlebell, and a medicine ball, where I dedicate 30 to 45 minutes each day to movement.

Here’s how I know my mindset has shifted: I’ve been working out almost every day for a month and haven’t lost any weight, yet I don’t feel compelled to “work out harder” or adjust my diet. In the past, a static scale would have left me feeling defeated, prompting me to restrict food or abandon my workouts. I would think, What’s the point if I’m not losing weight? But now, I genuinely don’t care about the numbers on the scale.

After a month of consistent workouts, I’ve noticed increased strength. I’ll need to buy heavier weights since my tens are no longer sufficient for bicep curls. I also added a budget-friendly spin bike for cardio, protecting my knees while challenging myself. Recovery time has decreased, and it feels great to sweat, to want to move my body, and to not feel depressed.

These short workouts have become my favorite part of the day. I eagerly anticipate this time solely for myself, where I can lose myself in music and feel my strength growing. Combined with the antidepressants, my daily exercise routine has brought me more emotional stability than I’ve felt in years.

If I remain this same size but continue to feel strong, energetic, and mentally well, I consider that a much greater success than simply dropping a few inches.

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Summary:

The author reflects on a transformative journey where exercise became a source of joy rather than a means to lose weight. After years of associating fitness with body size, a shift in mindset allowed her to embrace exercise for its mental and physical benefits. Now, she enjoys daily workouts, fostering strength and emotional stability, while releasing her fixation on the scale.

Keyphrase: Exercise for Mental Wellness

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